Did you ever just feel the pain with the total understanding that it’s not yours? That’s where I am today. Just emerging myself in other’s pain and feeling the empathy that cuts through my heart like a jagged knife.
I’m constantly working on me, evaluating my behavior, improving who I believe God wants me to be. It’s not easy. I find often that I do things not because I want to or don’t want to but because my sense of right and wrong tells me that I have absolutely no choice. Living a life with the belief that I am on the path to my maturity and learning from my lessons is not easy. Self perspective is difficult especially when things hit so close to home that it shatters. The point is when I expect others to be just, fair and decent I CANNOT do so without insisting this upon my own character. This works well for me, until empathy creeps in and all is lost in the emotion of the pain.
I am struggling right now with several factors. 1. My novel is not getting the attention I believe it deserves. 2. My family “appears” to be distant and I miss them. 3. I just learned my bio-dad is not the man I thought, (that’s not such a bad thing) except no one believes me and I cannot find him to prove it. 4. I am watching people I love go through the worst horrific circumstances of their lives and there isn’t anything I can do about it.
Today I cried. I sat and I sobbed because when it rains it pours. One friend doesn’t have faith in their abilities, another doesn’t have trust in others, and yet another doesn’t feel anyone hears them. One friend is struggling with cancer, another still in the closet and yet again… one more cries alone believing their depression is without any understanding. How do I deal when I feel as though there is nothing I can say? No words beyond “I love you.” No words.
There’s a line that is crossed when a burden is taken on that no one knows. That’s the weight of the world no one sees is piling up because although one person is going through their torture unfortunately they’re not the only people I know walking down the path of despair. It’s unfortunate they don’t know of each other or their pain may increase, but where does that leave me? I am stuck in the middle trying to decipher where I can make any difference whatsoever with my lack of verbal content. I show up. I do but is that enough? To be the listener?
At what point I ask is the burden too much. My answer? Just as Jesus said to Paul, “Until you can stand no more.” Since I am a pretty tough cookie and I know God knows this of me, all I can do is cry. Because tomorrow I will make that call and I will listen. I will show up. I will wait until I can be needed. I will understand the anger, feed the hungry, organize the weak. I will be whatever it is they need if only for a moment because it is not enough. This is not my pain. It is theirs. I can cry all I want but there comes a time to wipe those tears and get back in the game. Same as I expect from them.