Month: March 2019

amwriting

Secret To Perfect Intimacy

Reba Nietert

Every now and then I get on my notes and write some thoughts to share here on FB. In addition to my blog at RebaNietert.com; I try to impart my wisdom. (Although I understand some of you just don’t care what I think and I am okay with that. LOL)

The goal in life other than Maslow’s is to achieve great love. To be loved, to give it, to accept it and to be accepted by it. This goal is sometimes illusive for the younger generation. Shoot, it was hard to find for me! One of the things that comes to mind when I speak of love is that love for all the splendor it is – is just love. It’s not grand, it’s not soul supporting, it’s not touchable or provable, it’s just there. Sometimes you find yourself in an unrequited situation, and other times you live in the new “love bubble” for some time. Love can make you feel like you live on clouds or it can make your soul shutter in fear for the pain, which is inevitable.

To achieve great intimacy later in life, after the 25+ years of marriage one thing has to be abundantly clear. You have to communicate! The first and foremost is courage. You must be able to overcome the fears inside of you to allow yourself the freedom to fully trust another human being. That takes an insurmountable amount of trust. To keep this trust going both partners must agree on a variety of topics. What should happen if we fall in love? Could you see yourself with me for a lifetime? What would happen if we had kids? How would we raise them? What kind of parent do you want to be? The list goes on and on and on. Make your “What’s important to me” list now and discuss this with your partner. You’ll be surprised at the differences and the similarities.

One thing is for certain. We all become that which we fear or that which we know. If we have a parent who is dominant and that is the parent we most identify with, they become (unbeknown to our subconscious) our culture. In the end that is who we become. We can use our intellect to overcome knee jerk responses of negativity that could come from a genetic trait, or control issues we’ve witnessed from our parents or even mini-explosive anger episodes because our parents taught us that was the way to emotionally handle our disappointments. We are all intellectual individual thinking humans, who can have the courage to define our relationships the exact way that we want them. We can toss aside self-sabotaging behaviors and really impact our own lives in a powerful way.

Bottom line? Action! You have to be willing to identify your own insecurities, your patterns, your self sabotaging ways that stop you from receiving the blessings that have always been in store for you. The ONLY person who can change your life to be what you want it to be is you. Talk to your partner. Get on the same page, and agree to live your life on your collective agreed-upon terms because once you do that, both will be contented in the relationship and intimacy will follow. Formula 101. Trust me it works.

Even when you get off track, you both can get right back on. Remember people are just people too. Sometimes they disappoint us. Sometimes they hurt us. Sometimes they come through. No one and I do mean NO ONE is 100% perfect all the time so if you’re one of those, “I am right but they need to”–people? Well, this formula might not work for you. If you’re a real person who generally cares for the other partner in your life, this is a perfect time to lay down what you have been taught, what you have been burdened with, what you have learned, and come together mutually to define both your lives in the manner both of you see fit. Good luck!

Thanks for reading… Rebecca Nietert

Human Interest

13-Year-Old’s Story of Survival

Reba Nietert

In April 2016 our home grew larger with the addition of a 13-year-old teen, an 11-year-old tween girl and a 10-year-old little female angel. I had no idea what to expect except that I knew they would all be broken in different ways. They lost their parents due to cancer.

The first year, I learned a few things. 1. As the caregiver, guardian, chief raising officer; I was not allowed to complain about any part of the process without offending a majority of onlookers who believed I should be emotionally controlled over the whole terrifying experience. 2. The kids although tragically sad the first year would eventually be ok. 3. Once I took over their whole support group through the deaths vanished. Maybe they thought I was capable and that my strength ensured they could get on with their own lives. I am grateful for them don’t get me wrong, but the kids suffered more loss.

2017 was the “Year of the Firsts.” The first time they had birthdays without their parents. The first Mothers or Fathers Day. Dates were a huge deal. The tears that flowed that year could have filled rivers both by them and by me. I couldn’t stand to see them in so much pain!

The middle child was the hardest to connect with even though us two were the closest before I became the authority. Once that happened the pain inside her pushed back. The struggle between the both of us was epically out of control in no time.

I jumped into action and aligned support I respected and through DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) one day at a time we took this broken little girl and turned her into a secure happy and productively respectful child who submits to authority yet has her own sense of individuality.

Which is the reason for my blog post. I’ve decided to write my memoir up until the day I received custody of the children. I’ve purposely left the after for them because it’s their story to tell. A a writing coach I have tried to encourage them to write about their journey.

With that in mind, I want to announce the now 13-year-old will be starting a podcast to introduce her story and how she can through the pain. Check back often as we figure out how to do this, I will post the links to her story soon! I hope you tune in.

Take care, Rebecca

Inspiration

Resonating Example of Anger

Reba Nietert

This past weekend I witnessed two angry people hashing out their differences in public. Normally I just let what other people say to wash off me, but their anger resonated with me. I wonder often, why people are so angry, and then I realized, “why do I care?” I noticed I’m way too invested in what someone else is doing, rather than focusing on the moments around me that could offer joy. Here’s what she said to him: (I’m paraphrasing because as she and he slaughtered each other I took short notes. Yes, without permission so please don’t judge me. She’s younger. He’s older than her but not by much.)

In a tempered but serious tone, she said, “You’re absolutely miserable! You sit on your throne of a recliner quarterbacking everyone else’s life except for your own. You wake up every single day and cannot wait to get to your *insert explicative* iPad. You’re so focused on politics and what you fear an entire generation is going to do without your ranting and raving. You spend every waking minute disparaging another person, determining the faults and the mistakes they make; pointing them out, and stepping on them to elevate yourself! Then you tell them they don’t have a right to live their own life because they don’t agree with you. You are a miserable son of a bitch who is so lost and so alone and so afraid that you can’t even see your prejudices! You’re so worried about what somebody else is doing! You don’t even know who they are. You don’t know what they’ve been through. You don’t know their backstory. You don’t know what brought them to their beliefs! But you’re so damn quick to judge them and that judgment is making you an absolutely miserable person.”

He looked pissed off! Without responsibility, he said, “I have a right to my opinion. People have to know! It is my job to tell them why they’re wrong. Without people like me, this country is in serious trouble because the Liberals are going to bring it down because they don’t understand what they’re doing. If I don’t say something that I’m just as guilty as everybody else who is apathetic.”

She gasped and then she slapped her forehead. “Do you even hear yourself. What are you doing? Are you running for office? Are you paying for ad campaigns? Are you backing up a particular candidate? No! The only thing you do is post hate and discontent on social media. As though it is everybody else’s job to understand what you have been through, lift you up and agree with you; and make you feel like what you believe is 100% more valuable than what they believe. The only thing you’re doing is spreading more hate and more judgment and creating more division. You’re an argument begging to happen! You live to tell someone how wrong they are and how superior you are, as though your dictatorship of thoughts should be the only opinion considered!? Is that American? Is that equal? Compassionate? No!”

I cocked my head and nodded because people have said this about me. I had to take a step back and admit at times I’ve had nothing but FB in my life and in those times focused on the latter of what it offered and not the positive. As I writer I observe all the time. I continued to write as he rebutted.

Wounded now he stated, “You talk about me being hateful. What about you right now. You have hate in your heart for me.”

She sighed heavily and replied, “You just don’t get it. Please tell me the difference between your ideals and terrorist ideals? Aren’t they both born in anger? You judge me because I hold you to the same accountability you hold others. You judge me because even though I’ve lived a life of tragedy with lots of pain and loss I clearly don’t feel the sorrow as deeply as you and therefore my pain is dismissed. You judge me because you say that I shouldn’t have an opinion, because I don’t understand the things that you do, yet you show me no compassion! Damn if you don’t expect me to respect you in return. You judge me because I am young, and I am trying to forge my way in the world I don’t understand, yet you begrudge those who told you that you did not have the right to forge your path. You are a walking contradiction afraid to look at yourself. So lonely. It is always somebody else’s fault for the way you feel and never your own.”

Then even angrier she shouted, “No one is going to rescue you from the choices you make! No one is going to come to your house and force you to get out of that recliner. No one is going to force you to live your best life. No one is going to come up to you and apologize to you for what you’ve been through, because everybody else goes through their own shit. It is not our responsibility to make you feel worthy or smart or force you to focus on your own happiness, that’s your job! All the spouting off, all the anger, all the judgment, all the bias and the contempt for others is just murdering your soul. You can’t even see how unattractive it makes you.”

She walked away and I gathered my tablet and things and I do too. Kind of wanted to cry!

Take care,

Rebecca Nietert