Tag: Kindness

Human Interest, Inspiration, Journal Entry, Opinion, Reflection

Love Begets Love…

Reba Nietert

I will never understand the woman who gets offended and instead of discussing whatever it was that offended her, she screams, blocks you, and then doesn’t listen to the other side. To me, it’s like a child. If a woman is shown love, then she must resolve the conflict with love & understanding. If not, the relationship is selfish, one-sided, and doomed. There are some temper tantrums you just cannot come back from. Sad 🥺 but true.

Recently, someone acted this way to me. She said quite simply, “I spoke my mind.” She felt that’s all she had to do, and it didn’t matter how it was delivered. She felt she had a right to speak her mind and not be accountable for her emotions or the things she said poorly or violent in anger. The person to whom the anger was directed, was supposed to acquiesce to whatever she believed, and that was that. Everything would be fine if nobody contradicted her. When I tried to explain she was taking things in my life personally, I was promptly blocked, mocked, publicly chastised, and then called passive-aggressive for trying to be graceful through it. I needed to work on how I would handle it. The more of the conversation continued the more insults came my way, and none were returned. Didn’t matter. She got two other people involved and they began acting the same way. Eventually, it became a witch hunt. And by that I mean the women whom I showed love to desperately tried to “find something” to be offended about. It’s the old adage… “When you look hard to find the offense, you won’t have to look long.” No person is perfect, so make sure that you’re above reproach before you condemn.

What I find is confusing is that the people can pretend to be professional or even loving or even fairly put together well, but in essence, for those of us that do not bear the gift of desertion, they can often be a brooding storm just waiting to burst. It’s OK to remind yourself, that your friendship has value when you find people like this in your life. It’s OK to affirm yourself, and not listen to hateful words. It’s OK to stay on your path and always do the right thing despite how somebody else acts. That’s what being a woman of character is and then it’s OK to light the match and set the bridge on fire if it continues.

“SUN IS RISING” tomorrow is a new day.

Human Interest, Inspiration, Opinion, Reflection, Revelations, The Children

Even Tweens Need a Little Hug

Reba Nietert

Did you ever have a moment when you want to sit down and ponder what just happened? How did my teenage or pre-teen daughter get so mean? I know she has real kindness in there? I’ve seen it with me. I felt the hugs. I know the love exists and yet somehow when this beautiful little girl turned thirteen, hormones changed my angel?

You’re not alone.  There’s numerous articles about this very topic!  Sometimes the impulsivity is just too much for their little minds and bodies to control. One thing I do is remind myself that if they were functioning adults and capable of determining what they should or shouldn’t do at any given moment I wouldn’t have to parent them.  Kids will of course be kids, and that’s okay.

Dr. Dobson says that kids have the right to test us, and we have the right not to allow them to get away with doing it inappropriately.  So when my little tester says things such as, “I hate you!” I simply look at her adoringly and remind her that no matter what she says or does my love is all enduring and will continue without condition.  Then of course I redirect more respectful communication because there is a line.

What I want to encourage is that line is movable.  Find out what battle has to be won and go with that. Everything else chalk up to the guilt she’ll feel once she has her own child and realizes how she’s treated you. Just know that’s coming. Honestly, it will.  So for now just hold steadfast in knowing that she doesn’t need you to be a friend no matter how interesting she’s becoming. She needs a strong and strict mom to set rules, determine justice and to keep the building of character/character/character.  That’s all you can do and the rest will work it’s way out.

Most of all, BREATHE!  Find other moms who are in the same boat and lean on them.  Have  your 10 minute rants and be done with it.  Finalize that to resolution and get back at it. They’re your precious babies even if they’ve grown into sarcastic and outspoken disrespectful tyrants from time to time. It’s their job to break the status quo.  It’s your job to reel them back in.  Also remember to HUG even if they don’t want it. Mom, they NEED it. So don’t feel the push back, just do it.

Have a cocktail with me tonight and as I clink the ever present imaginary wine glass (mine is stemless) I lift and salute a great mom who’s doing the best she can!  May every day make you feel as included and loved as possible, and may your children some day call you blessed.  Amen.

Human Interest, Opinion, Reflection, Revelations, The Children

Don’t Let Doubt be the Guide

Reba Nietert

You know I ask myself all the time, “you have a 154 IQ and for some reason you can’t seem to make sense of why children don’t obey the rules?” I don’t come by this conundrum because I don’t understand that children lie; I come to it at the end of a very frustrated trial and error approach. You see, I mean what I say. There are immediate consequences for not following the rules. Yet every time I enforce consequences or they have a naturally, kids are shocked? Exasperated? As if they have no understanding at all that they can control whether or not they are in trouble!? How does this happen?

It takes me back to the Bill Cosby show days when his wife would get completely unwound because of the intense disrespect and blatant defiance. I am reminded that I am not alone and that we all share one common bond. That is that we have a unique and loving perspective. Kids will lie, they will manipulate, They will defy and they will ultimately test you way beyond we ever thought we could be pushed!

With this enlightenment, I have to then ask myself why do I even try to enforce rules? Is it just kids being kids? And then I look at other parents who seemingly have this innate ability to raise these perfectly compliant children and I wonder is the denominator me? I wonder if my hard approach to my rules not being an option, is actually causing the conflict? I think the answer is yes and no. Children can be horrible for no other reason just don’t know how to process how they feel or how they want to act in any given situation because they’re kids. Taking responsibility is taught. Thankfulness is taught! Accountability is taught. These are the tenants for happy extended and well respected life.

So how do I get them there? I guess I have to decipher when they need control, when they feel control and when they’re trying to get control more then they should have control. That’s easier said than done. Innovative approaches can often come from girlfriends. Asking a child who repeatedly offends, what you can do to help them succeed might actually set us up for future manipulation? I think the answer is in the rules.

If the rules revolve around character, they’re nonnegotiable. If they were revolve around participation in the family, they’re nonnegotiable. If they revolve around how they treat others, that’s nonnegotiable. Finding ways to help them understand their responsibility in those matters is our responsibility.

I guess there it is? What it all boils down to it it’s all about personal responsibility and having the audacity to be tenacious enough to enforce what we think is right. Standing over a child while he or she brushes their teeth because they refused to do it on their own is not going to harm the child. It’s going to teach them that this is the rule in their best interest that is nonnegotiable.

Forcing a child to put down his or her cell phone during dinner time and having the wherewithal to sit and have dinner with them shows them that we are willing to take accountability for our actions as well. That alone will send a powerful message. We may not be the most likable person in our house in that moment, but when our child is grown and fits easily into a world that has no tolerance for anything other than these tenants and they fit in and bonus; are happy, we will be the most likable person.

Just a moment to remember they have friends, is it our job to be their friend while they are growing up, and if we do our job well, we will have a lifelong friend once they are grown.

Human Interest, Inspiration, Reflection, Revelations, The Children

Epically Unfun

Reba Nietert

Very much like the title says, I have been told I am “epically unfun” by my three teens. When I remind them that the ONLY time I get cross with them is 1. When they do not do what they’re asked, 2. When they lie and tell me they did what was asked, 3. Go out of their way to complain or whine about what they have to do, and finally 4. Throw an attitude and make what’s asked of them torture for those around.  I explain that if they were pleasant with the knowledge that they have been given so much despite what they’ve lost; they should learn at their age that reciprocation is part of the deal.

What surprises me at every turn is how fundamentally wrong I am with the expectations. I expect kids to be decent little happy beings?  My bad!  Kids are great when you’re doting on them, giving them things, telling them how much you love them, but speak of disappointment and they turn into the little devils they are with all the eye rolling of a teenage queen and the lip speak of satan himself.

The thing is that in my head I think, “Well, they will understand if I just explain it to them.” You know what that brings? More opportunity for them to use my words against me, to manipulate an outcome they would rather have, and ultimately I still end up being the bad guy. I wonder, is it this hard for all parents?

Some people will “hate” on the truth that kids are not always the angelic creatures that they show on TV.  Kids are sometimes filled with contempt for their parents.  Kids who have lost parents like mine have conjure even more sympathy than normal.  If you set them in line parents want to tell you, “Well, they’ve lost their parents.” As though you don’t already know.  Rules have to be followed, restrictions and boundaries are part of life and ultimately building character isn’t easy.  Let’s face it we all wish we could have ice cream parties and cake.  At some point the daily list of homework, chores, and simply being respectful is going to come up.

I have to remind myself that I have been here before. I’ve raised two amazing adult children.  Both independent and capable of achieving great success.  They’re fine, despite I always felt like I was flying by the seat of my pants.  These kids will be too. Not because I’m a great drill sergeant, but because I love them.  My boundaries are to tell them they have restrictions they shouldn’t cross in life.  My rules are to teach them independence. My firmness comes from the fact that I know that unless they are successful in being in a harsh world when they’re of age, they won’t be happy.  It’s in love that I commit to teaching them there is a way to accomplish goals, and then there is just being lazy. You cannot do both.

Sadly, I still sit and wonder how I can say something and it be turned into something completely different from it’s intent. I sigh, heavily sometimes. I wonder if anything I do will enhance any part of who they are to become.  I wonder if they love me in some small way or if they even know the harshness of the circumstances we find ourselves in.  What do they really think? How do they feel?

I have to do what I think is best and hope that flying by the seat of my very wildly inappropriate pants won’t cause harm or foul to these precious souls I love with every fiber of my being. I pray that if I can sometimes get myself out of the way, they might actually learn the lessons they need to, and hopefully one day find happiness of their own. That’s what I think about all the time.

Inspiration, Reflection

Time to Serve Only You

Reba Nietert

One of the hardest things for me to do is to ask for something for myself because after I ask, I feel selfish.  In the era I grew up, women were taught to be “quiet about” the things that they could do better than a man. We were put in our places, told that we had a place along side a man, but certainly never in front of one.  Biblically we were taught that a woman’s place is in supporting her husband. The community of men aspired to get that message out to every single woman.  So, when it came time for me to want a little alone time (something every human on the planet SHOULD have) I felt selfish.

Today, I sit here knowing that after 3 harsh months of school, activities, behavior modification for the kids, husband schedules, date nights, friends, family, and my adult children I feel horrible that this is the first day I got to sleep in. What’s going through my mind? The numerous things I SHOULD be doing not the numerous things I COULD be doing. Instead of taking the day off for me, or carving out some much needed writing time, in my head is a laundry list of items that still need checked off.  “Ortho appointment for the eldest.” Check.  “Dry cleaning for my husband.” Check. “Pick up kids at three separate times.” Check. “Plan dinner so husband isn’t mad.” Check. “Take dog for grooming.” Check… and the list goes on and on. So much so that I honestly do not have two consecutive hours of my own.  There’s no time between travel and duty.

Nights offer no downtime because the kids are old enough to go to be at 10 o’ clock.  So after dinner, homework, activities and being available to “look at” my husband as I listen while he talks, there is no room to escape for some me time.  Life becomes all about pleasing someone else, and the more you do, the more they have no concept of the lengths that you go to make them feel included, happy, fulfilled; until you’re brain is completely fried and you’re an empty shell.  It’s a mother’s life and we have all felt those moments from time to time.  Serving other’s is a powerful gift, but when is it time to serve yourself?

My advice, is to do it. It’s that simple. Put off the chores and take a day off.  Go do whatever it is that fills your cup.  Whatever brings you a blissful moment.  If you have to ask in advance, stop beating yourself up. Your husband clocks out. Your kids some home. Your friends can wait.  You never clock out. You keep going like that annoying pink Energizer rabbit.  It’s time to replenish the batteries and NOT feel guilty for it.

Psychology today says, “Being alone allows you to drop your “social guard”, thus giving you the freedom to be introspective, to think for yourself. You may be able to make better choices and decisions about who you are and what you want without outside influence. Often, we are swayed by the thoughts, feelings, attitudes, beliefs, and behavior of those in our immediate sphere. Of course, you may ask others for their advice and opinions but ultimately, consulting yourself and making up your own mind about what you want to do will lead you into the life that’s best for you.”

Don’t wait. Make today great. Make it about you.  It’s normal and it’s so very necessary. For me? I am going to Louisiana to see my adult kids for one weekend. I’m leaving behind the people who need me the most so that I can gain a newer perspective about where I should lead them, about how much patience I should have and maybe gain some joy along my journey.  Just a moment of peace.  That’s all I ask. For me.

Inspiration, The Children

Focus on Your Bigger Picture

Reba Nietert

Sometimes I think the hardest thing for me is to wrap my head around the bigger picture of raising these three precious children. One barely 14, one barely 12, and the last barely 11.

There are therapy sessions that asked us to complete homework such as listing glad, sad, and mad moments throughout the week. These homework assignments bringing to light new sense of accountability. Not just for the children but also for us adults who take great pride in setting positive role model examples for them. It’s not enough to just get through the day when you were trying to bring joy to children who otherwise have known only sadness.

It’s very easy to get wrapped up in the arguments and the bickering to earn respect between siblings. It’s very easy to be quickly angered and set an immediate consequential tone, but that doesn’t really solve the love problem. Teaching love after such tremendous loss is what God called us to do. That is our journey.

It’s really easy to lose my patience when it seems that there’s a lot of redirection, all lot of teaching and a lot of character development. I couldn’t call myself a real mom if I didn’t believe that I could do the job. There are moments when I have my doubts. More often than not, I whisper to myself, “I got this.” The truth in the matter is that there is no alternative, so the choice is not an option.

As a parent we all have moments that we question our ability or being excepted or if what we do will gain the respect and love of those we care for? We carry guilt and happiness and sadness and go through all the trials and tribulations that our children do. This is just a little reminder that there is the bigger picture and the next time you feel like you just want to grab that bottle of wine and slam it down with some gal pal‘s—Well, maybe that’s exactly what you need to do. After all, every woman needs to fill her cup before she can pour for others.

Inspiration, The Children

“The Year of the 1st’s”…The Introduction

Reba Nietert

Recently, as many of you know, I have taken on the enormous yet honorable role of raising three adorable children who’s parents have passed on.  I thought I would be in for the hardest time when I found out that no one had been setting boundaries, teaching them how to take care of their bodies or their home.  I thought that life would be sad, difficult in that nothing would be as it appears. There would be outbursts, anger fits, and tears. I was wrong. Kids are more resilient than people give them credit.

These three are no different. In the coming months I hope to introduce you to each of their unique personalities.  I hope to show you through their stories how trials and joy bubble up without permission.  I hope that you, as I have will fall in love with them, want to fight for them, and ultimately join me in encouraging these kids.  They need a cheerleader, and a parent who loves them as they do their own.  That’s me.

I wonder if you’ll be interested in learning about all the firsts?  You see, people think about the emotions of the loss, but what they forget is that life for all the wonderfulness of not knowing what is about to happen is all about moving on.  The first birthday without either of their parents.  The first time they plan for their future without their parents. It’s about the moments that come and go and will ever be shared with mom or dad.  Even something incredibly joyful and to see that bright face turn around and exclaim how much they want to share it with– and then there’s the realization that that person isn’t around anymore.

As they become their own individual souls who embrace their special talents, the path to success begins to reveal itself.  Learning to love, and to give thanks to those who support them is making these kids into powerful beings.  They’re more than just victims and then survivors. These kids are amazing beautiful children who are happy more than 90 percent of their day. They’re hopeful. They’re productive.  It’s a full-on-board all hands on deck inclusive and enthusiastic approach to teaching, guiding and molding behaviors.

Inspiration

Just A City Girl Living in a Country World

Reba Nietert

Just a big city girl for sure. Along time ago I realized that I adore being close to everything a city offers. I love the theater, shopping, dining, art, and the intellect that educated cultured individuals bring to a conversation. I love café’s where I can sit and people watch. I love the hustle in the bustle that lends quickness to my day. Most of all I love that undeniable sense of purpose that everybody seems to have.

When my children were born, I was moved to the suburbs. “Sensible shoes” took the place of beautiful long leg extending strappy sandals. Sweaters took the place of button-down-flowing feminine looking shirts or blouses. All my scarves went into the closet. My dangly earrings put in storage. My wardrobe went from fabulous to functional!

The toughness of ball-busting formidable women in the city extends an even greater judgement from suburban housewives when one doesn’t comply with unwritten social etiquette of how to act around husbands and families. Step outside those bounds once and the paws and claws come out!

These women who make this “family style” living look like it’s a breeze are simply amazing to me. I think that I was that person once, a long time ago? I was so worried about the outcome of my efforts that I lost my own identity along the way. In short I pretended to have it all together so as to fit into a lifestyle I never wanted nor was ever comfortable with!

In my experience you can move into a neighborhood and it can be the worst or it can be the best. People can either support and create that village it takes to raise children or they can come at you with judgement and do everything they can to tear you down. I’ve been in both neighborhoods. The later is more prevalent for sure.

My neighborhood here on the peninsula of my 6 acres the back up to the Bayou somewhere in Louisiana is the Safehaven for me. It is real and it is peaceful. It is quiet. What resonates the most about the house is not as fancy Decour or price tag. It is the overwhelming sense of being one with all the elements around.

This home is the exception to the suburban rule because it has no restrictions on home, land or property. None on behavior or actions other than laws. It’s pure country living. I enjoy being here…until I can’t wait to get back to my strappy sandals and colorful tunics!

I have to say that everyone needs a moment of silence to squash the voices of self-doubt. I have had that and I feel grateful. However, as much as I fight it and want to stay it is time for me to get back to the city. It’s time to walk among the fast and furious. Summer for me is over. I’ve rested and I’m grateful for the relaxation, but it’s time for purpose to begin again.

The Children

Why did God choose me?

Reba Nietert

Three years ago she asked, “Will you love them like they’re your own?” And I answered, “Of course!”  Did I understand the consequences of my agreement at the time? Probably not!  I believe I just wanted then what I want now, and that is to be part of the proverbial “village” that is needed to raise the kids?

Three years of not being able to hug a parent, or play ball, or talk to them, or shop, or eat dinners, or believe that the security they provide is actually going to last?  These kids came to me broken.  They’re all riddled with the absence of constant attention. Their grades plummeted.  Their behaviors were horrible.  It wasn’t because their mom and dad didn’t love them.  In fact, what really matter is that the base of a good kid is in each one due to the fact that their parent’s adored them!  They’re all just sucking the life out of everything they can, because they each believe that people come into our lives, and then they leave.

In the process of becoming the authority, the responsible adult, the security blanket, poor Aunt Rebecca became the disciplinarian. Yes, and in doing that, I lost my fun Aunt Rebecca title and became, “mean Aunt Rebecca!” I have to tell you that the beginning was not as much fun as I thought it was going to be. In the end, though, this journey is proving to be an incredibly honorable experience. I’m not only learning about them, but the second turn of raising a set of kids is forcing me to learn more of myself.

There’s so much to do.  There’s so much to say.  There’s so many things that I want to teach them.  Much to prepare them for.  I’m up to the challenge. I am.  Sometimes, I fade into the despair of what it must be like to lose both your parents at once.  Sometimes I weep because they didn’t know how absolutely incredibly loved their parents were.

Here’s what I do know. I try every single day to be a better person. To be kind and put the frustrations of my inadequacies behind me.  I don’t show weakness to the children. I show them consistency. I know I am not supposed to be their friend, I am the person who puts them before myself, or anyone or anything. That’s my job.  I don’t take it lightly.  It is my belief that I am profoundly and irrevocably committed to their overall happiness and well being.

I’m no longer complain. I try to do things a little different and let go of my own expectations.  I’m not going to try and reason or understand because it does me no good. I’m not going to spend this year lost in the muck of pain and anger of what has been lost, or what will come when the ultimate loss is paid.  All I can do is push through to the good, the joy of what I see in the community around me. Take stock in the kindness of others and not ask what the angle is. To revel in the fact that I have the skills necessary to do this job and thank the good Lord he saw fit to prepare me for this journey.

I pray every day that I do a job that deserves praise.  I love them. Unconditionally. I may never know why God chose me, but what I do know, is that I thank God every day that he did.  Amen.

Inspiration

Random Act of Kindness

Reba Nietert

Have you ever sat down in tears, and thought, “I feel so blessed!”  Well, today that was me.  For a moment there were no words. No strife, no anger, no pain, no concern, and no worry.  There was only immense gratefulness.  A moment of humility unlike any other I’ve ever felt. I have always been a hopeful person, but I have never maintained a level of faith in another human being. From time to time they disappoint me. Some leave me devastated in their selfish wake. Today, when kindness brought me to the point of tears, I sat down and let them fall. All I felt was the love from the people who show me kindness.

It was then that I replayed the past year over in my head. A few incredible women popped out and as my tears fell, my heart warmed.  If I have ever lost faith in kindness, that would be all but proven lately that more people are kind than they are not.  For this girl, who has lived through the worst things imaginable; believing in the kindness of others has been my challenge.  I’ve remained transparent even in the wake of pain that followed; all with the belief that is what God has called me to do.  Believing in my own faith that if I did the right thing time and time again, despite that the outcome has not always matched in justice; things would work out in the end. Not that my choices have anything to do with other’s kindness, or that any of this is my doing; it’s just that it lend credibility to the astounding sense of overwhelming love I felt and why.

A woman named Kim Whiting organized several families to help us with Christmas this year.  Well, with grandma’s and aunts, and uncles, and extended family here in Dallas; I just didn’t know how I was going to be able to do Christmas.  The three new kids’ and both of mine in NOLA in college, meant for a difficult budget.  Jennifer, the mom of the three kids sick, and money running out due to in home 24/7 care so she doesn’t have to be at a senior facility and you have one stressed out Rebecca.  Kim came to the rescue and sent a lovely family to us bearing a ton of Christmas gifts for the kids.  They’re a lifesaver!  Sent from God above!  Thank you Kim for reaching out to your network to help us! You have a huge loving heart.

That’s when it reminded me of a wonderful woman named Lynn Ellis who organized food deliveries when I was so overwhelmed with new after school activities and couldn’t afford the dinners or time to cook my own.  It takes everything I have to put my pride aside and accept help. I usually the one who gives it. I was so humbled by Lynn’s generosity though and found her willingness to support Jennifer’s family and my efforts inspiring. She listed the family on a website that organized a community of wonderful moms who brought amazing dinners.  I cannot express in enough words how incredibly helpful she’s been to my family and how profoundly proud I am to know her.  Thank you Lynn for giving us such a precious gift of life; food. Your grace inspires me.

Kim Whitehead heard that we were in desperate need of school clothes and rallied together all the grade and middle school parents who donated an entire wardrobe for all three kids.  She’s a precious inspiration who continues to awe and shock me with how much she is able to accomplish. C.E.O.’s should take notice!  Her heart of gold helped me at a time when again I was overwhelmed with medical costs and strategic planning of my own.  I cannot thank you enough for adding me to your already extensive to do list, just to bless this family with your kindness. You are truly inspirational.

Shannon Quick and Gina McCoy who are amazing women, helped Jennifer clean and organize her home this past year. They packed, and served whenever called.  They love her with unconditional non judgement truthfulness and for that I am profoundly grateful. I love you ladies, and I treasure your help.

The Moms of Plano and the Moms of Murphy who continue to support Jen. Special Delivery where Dwight used to work who provide the insurance so she can continue treatment, The Karate Place where Dwight used to take the kids who continue to raise money each year. Those funds go directly to her medical and daily living expenses. Every dollar has been used to keep this family together.  We’re so thankful that you rallied around this family. Thank you for being so incredible selfless and kind.

To my girlfriends Gail Marks, Dawn Smith, Mary Jarcy, Leanna Cannon, Debbie Smith, my daughter Elizabeth and the girls from social media who are too many to list who support me through Facebook; I get so much from you. You listen to me rant and keep the grace I know you have.  Thank you for being there for me.

I wish I could thank each one of the GOFUNDME people who support Jen and her family this past year. We could NOT have done any of this had it not been for you. I wish I could thank the individuals to brought dinners, or gave gift cards or cash or helped or supported, or drove, or listened when it was all too overwhelming for me.  How can I possibly tell you that if it weren’t for you this past year, I don’t know what I would have done? Thank you everyone for the smaller donation to the biggest. Your kindness continues to raise this family up.

Now you know why it all just hit me and I couldn’t stand.  I felt God today. I feel him more lately than I have ever felt him.  I feel so humbled, so thankful, so incredibly inspired to be the best human being I can be because of these amazing women. I want to say that I am truly thankful for you. I am honored that you wanted to help, and I treasure you more than rubies and gold.  You are everything this world needs. I wish everyone knew how incredibly wonderful each and every one of you are; from the woman who brought me food, to the girl who cleaned the house, to the leaders who rallied a community to support us. You are everything a woman should be, and all that I hope one day a woman says about me.  Thank you, from the bottom of my warmest humbled heart for your selfless acts of kindness. I truly mean it when I say that I pray generously that God blesses you in the very same kind manner that you have blessed this family.  Thank you for being the light of God and shining that light where there was darkness and now there is hope and faith.  Merry Christmas!