Copyright 2024 – Rebecca Nietert
Age 50’s – Oh boy, let me tell you about the adventure I had with my dear mother-in-law and her colonoscopy. I knew it was going to be a challenge, but I had no clue what I was getting myself into! Picture this – a sedentary woman in need of a colonoscopy, and me, her trusty and oh-so-willing daughter-in-law.
The night before the big day was hardly a walk in the park. Oh no, it was more like a never-ending nightmare. You see, the poor thing had to go through this brutal prep that left her throwing up and feeling sick all night long. And who was there to witness it all? Yours truly, of course.
So, the day arrives, and my mission is to get her to the hospital by 7:30 am. Simple enough, you might think. Well, hold on tight, because the fun has just begun. I pick her up, ready to conquer the day, and ask for the address. And what do I do? I drive us to the wrong darn hospital! Time is ticking, my friend. We have mere minutes to reach the correct hospital, which is a solid 20 minutes away. Panic mode activated!
We arrive at the overcrowded hospital, and I have to think on my feet. I drop her off in a hurry and sprint back to find a parking spot down the street. Running like my life depends on it, I grab a wheelchair and dash back to the chaos. We manage to check her in after standing in line for what feels like an eternity.
Once in the room, they start undressing her and hooking her up to leads. Then comes the great IV adventure. Here’s the kicker – her dehydrated arm is playing hide-and-seek with the veins. They poke, they prod, and they try like absolute maniacs to find a vein. It’s like a twisted game show, “Where’s the vein?!” I swear, I thought we were competing for a grand prize of frustration.
And just when we think things couldn’t get any more absurd, they casually ask if she’s on oxygen. Of course, I confirm that she is. And guess what? They drop the bombshell – they don’t have oxygen available for her procedure! Seriously? You couldn’t have mentioned this little detail beforehand? Unbelievable!
After getting kicked out, she let out a scream that could shatter glass. “I am not enduring that prep again!” she hollered, determined to rebel. Meanwhile, I dashed off to fetch the car, but ended up sprinting down the street yet again. Suddenly, my clumsy nature got the best of me, and I tumbled to the ground. Lights out! Was it because I skipped breakfast? Or maybe my blood pressure was feeling a little low? Perhaps I just needed a good ol’ cup of joe. In the midst of my stride, I fainted like a true champ. Lights out, indeed!
When I finally came to, I discovered a symphony of injuries. Bleeding hands that tried to save me, a banged-up noggin from kissing the pavement, and oh, let’s not forget the dignified blood trail trickling from my pant leg where my knees took their hard-earned beating. I mustered up the courage to declare, “I’m fine, I swear!” I wiped away the blood, braved the pain, and limped my way back to the car. Mission: completed!
With the car safely parked, I dashed back inside to collect her, ready to whisk her off to a new and hopefully less chaotic hospital. By this point, lunchtime had long come and gone, and our growling stomachs reminded us of our unfulfilled cravings. Fasting can be a real bummer, especially when you’re hurrying to make it to your destination by 2 o’clock. We hadn’t eaten or drunk a thing, and boy, were we paying the price for it.
It felt like an eternity, but finally, at 4pm, the doctor made his grand entrance. Bless his heart, he had to be dragged away from the comfort of his office just to squeeze us in after dealing with the other patients. Poor mother-in-law was throwing a massive fit, and I couldn’t really blame her. She had gone through a night of poop prep, for heaven’s sake.
Eventually, they whisked her away, and I was left there with dried, sticky blood from my fall. A nurse finally noticed me and kindly asked, “Are you okay?” I wanted to reply with a sarcastic, “Do I look okay?”, but instead, I just pleaded for a bathroom to clean up while my dear mother-in-law underwent her procedure.
Curiosity got the better of those nurses, and they inquired about the chaotic events that led us here. You won’t believe it, but they said I was a saint! Ha! More like a saint with a pounding headache!
As soon as we were done, I called for some steaks to pick up. Ah, the joys of being able to eat after a day that started at 7am and ended at freaking 7pm! We sat there silently, but our eyes met, and we couldn’t help but burst into laughter as we devoured our meals like ravenous animals.
So there you have it, folks. My wild and wacky adventure with my mother-in-law’s colonoscopy. If this story doesn’t make you chuckle, I don’t know what will. Life has a funny way of throwing curveballs at you, especially when you least expect it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need a strong cup of coffee and a moment to recover from this comical ordeal. Cheers to the unexpected twists and turns that make life oh-so-entertaining!
Reba Nietert 