When I first chose to stay home with my babies, I thought I was making the best, most loving decision for my family. I was educated, informed, and determined to give my children the care and presence I never wanted to outsource. But what nobody tells you—what no one warns you about—is the invisible contract you’re signing when you make that decision. And unless you sit down and have a brutally honest conversation with your significant other, you may find yourself in a position you never intended: servitude.
Let me be clear—I’m not talking about the joy of raising your own children or the privilege of being there for their first steps, their giggles, and their scraped knees. I’m talking about the *other* job description that comes with “stay-at-home mom.” The one that’s rarely discussed, but always expected.
When you choose to stay home, unless you draw boundaries and set expectations, you’re not just agreeing to childcare. You’re silently agreeing to every single household duty—inside and out. That means:
– All the cleaning, every day, top to bottom.
– Home maintenance, pest control, window washing, laundry, linens, towels, annual curtain cleaning, sofa scrubbing.
– Taking care of pets, organizing PTA meetings, volunteering at school, managing play dates and social calendars—for the kids, not yourself.
– Cooking dinner night after night, planning meals within a budget, and somehow making the money stretch.
– Managing the “allowed” income, often with no guarantee that anything left over is truly yours.
– And after all that, you haven’t even begun to address your own needs, friendships, or personal time.
The most insidious part? There’s no clocking out. It’s a 24/7 job. The minute you finish the dishes, someone dirties another. The laundry is never-ending. The sense of accomplishment is fleeting, if it ever comes at all.
I remember the days when I would schedule cleaning baseboards, prep dinner so it was hot when my husband walked in, have the kids bathed and in bed so all he had to do was eat, relax, and watch TV. My home was spotless, my children were cared for, and my partner’s only job was to recover from his day. If that’s the life you want, and it works for you—embrace it with gratitude. But make sure you know what you’re signing up for.
If you haven’t talked to your spouse or partner about who does what—about who handles the lawn, the dinners after 7pm, the late-night emergencies, the never-ending chores—you’re not making an informed decision. My advice? Write it all down. Decide together who’s responsible for what. Make room for your own time, your own needs, your own life.
Because here’s the truth: nobody in their right mind would sign up for a lifetime of servitude to someone who works an eight-hour job, unless they truly understood what that means. And for the women who do all of this *and* work outside the home? You are my heroes. I did it for 15 years, and it’s a different kind of stress—one that no one is prepared for until they’re living it.
So before you make your choice, talk. Plan. Write it down. Make sure your decision is truly informed. Because loving your family shouldn’t mean losing yourself.
Reba Nietert 