Category: Reflection

Reflection

Absent Dad Title: Reflections on the Absent Father: The Quest for Identity

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2024 – Rebecca Nietert

In the depth of my being, a chapter of my past lies shrouded in darkness, its pages filled with unanswered questions and unresolved emotions. It is a story of abandonment, deception, and the relentless search for identity. This is my narrative – the tale of a young adult whose longing for a father’s love was overshadowed by the painful truth of his deceit.

Imagine growing up with a perpetual void in your heart, a constant reminder of the absence of a man whom society claims should have been there. The mere thought of the man I believed to be my biological father filled my mind with a myriad of emotions – longing, resentment, confusion, and ultimately, contemplation.

I yearned for a connection, an unbreakable bond that could bridge the gap between my incomplete sense of self and an unknown heritage. But little did I know that the one who had abandoned me held a secret so profound that it would shatter my fragile perception of family and forever change the course of my existence.

As the truth unraveled, I discovered that the man I thought was my paternal beacon had known all along that he was not the biological connection to me. He carried within him the knowledge that blood did not bind us, that the shared DNA that defines parentage lay elsewhere. In his abandonment, i’d like to think he sought to protect me from a truth that would shake the very foundations of my being. But his absence in my life spoke volumes.

Contemplation became my companion in quiet moments, as I grappled with the gravity of his decision. Questions echoed through the corridors of my mind – how could he have chosen to disappear rather than face the consequences? What could have compelled him to leave behind a child? And, most importantly, who was I without his presence? He certainly did not abandon my elder sister, nor my younger sister. Maybe because they were his biological children.

In the depths of my contemplation, I realized that identity is not solely defined by bloodlines or shared genetics. It is a complex tapestry woven not only by the presence of those who raised us but also by the absence of those who should have been there. It is through the absence of this man, whom I once thought of as my father, that I discovered the strength to redefine my own sense of self.

As young adults, we are confronted with the bittersweet realization that life does not always grant us the answers we seek. It is during these moments of reflection that we find ourselves standing at the crossroads of forgiveness and understanding. We can choose to carry the burden of resentment or embark on a journey of introspection and growth.

So, to all the young adults out there who have felt the sting of parental absence or who have grappled with questions of identity, know that you are not alone. Our stories intertwine in a collective tapestry of resilience and self-discovery. May we find solace in the contemplation of our own narratives and the wisdom to shape them into stories that define who we truly are.

The death of the man I thought was my biological father is not an end but a catalyst for my personal growth. I carry his legacy of abandonment, but I am not defined by it. With a heart filled with contemplation, I forge ahead, embracing the uncertainty of life’s journey, and uncovering the truths that lie within my own soul.

Reflection

The Cowboy – The Epiphany

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2024 – Rebecca Nietert

Age 24 – Once upon a time, amidst the vastness of life’s adventures, I found myself entranced by a singular moment. It was as if time itself had paused, allowing me to truly see him for the first time. With his piercing blue eyes and chiseled jawline, he ignited a spark within me that I never knew existed. This Southern cowboy, tall and lanky, had effortlessly stolen my heart from the very first words he spoke.

There was a magnetic attraction that bound us together, his radiant smile reflecting the mutual connection we shared. In his presence, I discovered a newfound sense of patience and an understanding of unconditional love. He embraced my anger, holding it gently, and replaced it with a perpetual sense of joy. Each day felt like a vibrant symphony, bursting with laughter, celebrations, and unforgettable friendships. It was a whirlwind of excitement, as if life itself had pressed the accelerator and we were speeding through each precious moment.

But as life often does, things changed in the blink of an eye. In a mere three years, the world we had built became fractured. He never imagined that I would walk away, and yet, he made choices that shattered our once-solid foundation. He brought his ex-wife back into our lives and reconnected with an old flame. Perhaps fear had clouded his judgment, but he had always been clear that marriage and children were not part of his plans. And at 25 years old, I felt as if my journey had not yet begun. The path we once walked together veered off course.

He held my respect, my adoration, and the love we once shared, and yet he grew complacent. He never truly appreciated it; he took it all for granted. Perhaps he believed that my love for him was so boundless, I would never walk away. But that fateful night, as I stepped into our kitchen where we used to share cherished meals, I saw his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend sitting there. Something inside of me shattered, deep and irreparable.

In the depths of my soul, I had already learned the painful lesson that one should never live solely for another. I understood that if I stayed, he would manipulate me with his words and pleas, capitalizing on the love I still held. He would convince me to give him one more chance, then another, and another beyond that. I knew that time would slip away from me, and I couldn’t bear the thought of being trapped in his web any longer.

And so, with a single tear cascading down my cheek, I made the tough decision to leave. It was a pain unlike any I had experienced before, for it threatened to break me completely. This loss, however, carried a different weight. It held a different understanding, a revelation of my worth and the knowledge that I deserved better.

I clutched my purse tightly and cast my eyes across the expanse of our once-beautiful apartment. I slowly made my way to the bathroom and then my closet, packing only a small bag. In truth, I didn’t want any reminders of what we had shared.

Then I walked back into the kitchen. With a single glimpse into those piercing azure eyes, I found myself entranced, caught in a moment frozen in time. But as I dared to speak, his response carried a contemptuous undertone, leaving me wounded and shattered. It was in that instant that I realized I no longer desired anything from him, forever.

As I walked away that day, I left behind the remnants of a life we once shared. All those possessions we had collected over the course of three years—furniture, dishes, the tangible pieces of our union—held no value for me anymore. They only served as painful reminders of a love lost. And in that definitive moment, I knew I would never return to the dance of life as I knew it. The mere thought of it shattered my spirit.

No longer would I be an object to be paraded around, a symbol of validation for men. It was time for me to reclaim my life, on my own terms, free from the fetters that had bound me. This choice marked the beginning of a profound transformation, a life no longer defined by the expectations of others.

In the wake of that shattered love, a newfound strength stirred within me. The fragments of my heart, though broken, were infused with resilience and determination to forge a different path. For I sought solace in the knowledge that my worth extended far beyond the confines of the roles I had once played, the trophies I had been perceived as.

And so, I vowed to live a life of authenticity, guided solely by my own desires and aspirations. This choice was not one of selfishness, but rather an act of self-love, an acknowledgment of my inherent worth. With this newfound clarity, my horizons expanded, and my former identity crumbled away, making room for a rebirth that held the promise of liberation.

Therefore, hear the echoes of my shattered heart, as they reverberate with resilience and newfound purpose. Aware of the pain and loss that accompanies the end of one chapter, I embolden myself to step into a future where my own happiness takes precedence.

For it is in our darkest moments of heartache and despair that we find the strength to redefine ourselves, to rewrite the narratives that have held us captive. And as I embark on this journey of self-discovery, I extend an invitation to all who have endured similar heartbreaks, to join me in embracing the beauty that emerges from the ruins.

Reflection

Blind Faith – A Dance With the Devil

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2024 – Rebecca Nietert

Age 20 – He promised to share his secrets, to lead me down a path where hunger would no longer consume me. I was a naive girl, tainted by the hardships of life, longing for a taste of success. Little did I know, this journey would transform me into a mere doll, stripped of my identity.

My matted, dirty blonde hair became meticulously styled, my awkward posture gracefully molded through his guidance. It was more than just dance lessons; he taught me to decipher the unspoken language of micro expressions, a skill I never knew existed. I believed it was the key to unlocking a higher income, a way to fulfill my most basic needs. However, unbeknownst to me, his true intentions were far more sinister.

He had concealed his nefarious plans beneath a veil of mentorship. He yearned for a lavish recording studio, and I, in my desperation to satiate my hunger, had unwittingly become a pawn in his game. We struck a deal, but I had unknowingly made a pact with the devil himself.

I placed unwavering faith in him, trusting him in ways I had never connected with another soul. Little did I realize that my hard-earned money, earned through a life of sorrow, was being spent on the very women I called friends within the industry. Deception lurked within the shadows, secrets intertwined with manipulation, and in the end, it was I who fell prey to his treachery.

The crushing weight of betrayal weighed heavily upon me, so much so that I felt compelled to swallow pills, to succumb to an abyss of despair. It was in that moment, standing on the precipice of oblivion, that I finally recognized the truth: it was over.

The next morning, as the sunlight streamed through my window, I was met with an overwhelming sense of disbelief. How did I let myself become so entangled in a toxic web of dependency? It was a wake-up call, a harsh reminder that my life shouldn’t revolve around someone else.

In the beginning, I truly believed that this person held the key to my survival. Their mentorship seemed essential, but it had morphed into an unhealthy codependency. I had been deceived, hurt, and left so broken that I found myself on the verge of ending it all. It was only in that moment, standing up and feeling the warmth of the sun on my face for the first time in what felt like an eternity, that I realized I had a choice.

A sense of fear and uncertainty washed over me as I contemplated whether I would ever be able to achieve the level of success his mentorship promised. Yet, with each passing day, fragments of my soul began to mend, and my humanity slowly returned. The betrayal I felt was profound, but I had to acknowledge that I had played a role in my own downfall. I had willingly placed myself in harm’s way, and the consequences were mine alone to bear.

It was a bitter pill to swallow, knowing that every decision had led me to that moment on the bathroom floor. But with this newfound clarity, came a surge of courage. I refused to let this setback define me any longer. I vowed to reclaim my life, to make better choices, and to never lose sight of my own worth again.

This journey of healing and self-discovery would not be easy, but I was willing to embrace the challenges ahead. I refused to be held captive by my past mistakes or the actions of others. From that day forward, I would be the author of my own story, a story of resilience, growth, and the unwavering pursuit of my dreams.

So to anyone who finds themselves in a similar predicament, remember this: there is strength within you that you never thought possible. No matter the hardships you face or the betrayals you endure, you have the power to rise above it all. Embrace your courage, acknowledge your mistakes, and reclaim your life. It’s time to write a new chapter, one filled with self-love, empowerment, and the unwavering belief that you are capable of anything.

Reflection

Disastrous Encounters – Life of a Dancer

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2024 – Rebecca Nietert

Let me set the stage for you. There’s this super “inspiring” story about a young woman in her early 20s, growing up in an environment filled with violence, poverty, and utter lack of education. Oh, and let’s not forget her “wonderful” attitude problem.

Now, this girl has been on her own since she was a mere 14 years old, and boy, did she fail spectacularly. I mean, who wouldn’t when you have no one to guide you, right? So at the ripe old age of 23, she’s sitting there, staring at her sad excuse for a cupboard, which consists of one lonely can of chicken with stars from Campbell’s chicken soup. Yep, that’s the highlight of her culinary collection.

Not only is she struggling to feed herself, but she’s also drowning in a pile of bills she can’t pay. Oh, and did I mention that she recently experienced some sort of traumatic event that left her unable to work long hours? Life just keeps hitting her with the good stuff.

But guess what? Just when things couldn’t get any worse, she loses her baby, and the cherry on top? Her own lovely mother swoops in and snatches away her last $600. Family, right? Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

And then, out of the blue, this mysterious, dark, and oh-so-handsome man saunters into her life. He throws her a bone, claiming he can teach her how to never be hungry again. Who can resist an offer like that? So, this woman with an already hardened heart decides to give up on humanity altogether and becomes the “best” female dancer in Houston, Texas. Bravo.

But hey, who needs a real job, stability, or emotional support when you can dance your way to success, right? What a fantastic story of perseverance and sarcasm in the face of adversity.

Ah, the elusive nature of courage, forever intertwined with our old pal, fear. You see, I once had a deep-rooted fear that I would become a spitting image of my mother. A life of poverty, perpetual anger, endless hunger – you get the charming picture. But hey, guess what? I defied all odds and emerged as a confident, stunning woman who could stand on her own two feet. A true masterpiece in the making, if I do say so myself.

But hold onto your hats, folks, because life loves throwing curveballs. In walks this dashing, charming man, offering to whisk me away to a life better than my wildest dreams. Oh, how foolish I was. Little did I know that behind that charming façade lurked the ultimate scoundrel, the master of deception.

Yep, ladies and gents, I won the jackpot when it comes to disastrous encounters. This so-called savior turned out to be a walking, talking example of everything despicable. Ah, the irony. Trust me, I’ve met my fair share of scoundrels, but this one took the cake. And trust me, that cake tasted a little too much like betrayal and heartache.

So there you have it, folks. Life likes to throw us punches just when we gather the courage to face our fears. But fear not, for in our journey of self-discovery, we uncover the beauty in our strength and resilience. And as for those debonair charlatans? Well, they make for one heck of a story to tell.

Courage, fear, scoundrels – the grand tapestry of life’s little surprises. Keep following the blog for the sequel to this where I reveal just what this louse did. Make no mistake, I was culpable…

Reflection

Dissociative Amnesia – A Defense Mechanism

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2024 – Rebecca Nietert

When I was a toddler, my mother bought me the most adorable little green dress paired with cute white bloomers. It was the early 60s, a time when children were encouraged to go outside and play. It was a more innocent time, and neighbors looked out for one another’s children.

One day, I found myself at my grandparents’ house, where my great grandparents were staying as well. As I tiptoed outside through the swinging screen door, the sound of it banging shut echoed through the yard and sidewalk. It was then that one of my great grandfather Sam’s friends called me over to his front porch. Filled with curiosity, I eagerly climbed up the stairs, taking each step with my tiny body, and settled down next to the man.

He engaged in conversation with me, our exchange filled with the simple joy of connecting generations. After a little while, he kindly invited me inside his home for a cookie. If you can imagine the unthinkable, that’s what happened. I was a toddler growing into a child. What he did damaged me not only physically, but profoundly as the years went on. What I am not going to do is list the details of this event, because to do so would give credence to any pedophile who might read this book and I will not engage. What he did was fundamentally wrong he changed the course of my life forever.

As I made my way back to my great grandmother’s room, blood trickled down my legs. A heavy sadness weighed on her face. It was a different time back then, where tragedies and traumas were kept tightly locked away within the confines of one’s heart. Seeking help from psychiatrists was unheard of, and even if they were available, people rarely sought their aid. Family matters were held close, secrets hidden beneath calm facades. She took my panties off, cleaned me up, put new clothes on and tossed the bloody mess in the trash can, along with any voice I might ever have.

In the aftermath of what had happened to me, silence prevailed. The incident was never spoken of, never acknowledged. Its impact on my mind, however, was profound. That day marked the birth of my dissociative amnesia, a defense mechanism that allowed me to detach from the memories that haunted me. It became my means of survival, a coping mechanism I would carry with me for the rest of my life.

In a world where support was scarce and talking about personal struggles was frowned upon, I found solace in the ability to dissociate myself from the trauma I endured. It became my shield, guarding me from the overwhelming weight of my experiences.

Though those times have changed, the impact of my dissociative amnesia remains. It is a testament to the lengths we go to protect ourselves in a world that may not always offer the understanding and support we need.

Reflection

Fun! Journey Down Memory Lane

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2024 – Rebecca Nietert

Age 6 – Let me take you on a little journey down memory lane, back to the good old days of being a kid and growing up in a budget-conscious household. Now, we weren’t just your run-of-the-mill kind of poor. Oh, no. We were the “bills don’t always get paid” kind of poor. But hey, it shaped us into some pretty resourceful little food wizards!

You see, we didn’t have the luxury of eating fancy meals night after night. Nope, we were all about stretching every penny and getting creative in the kitchen. Leftovers were our best friends. In fact, our meals were like a culinary adventure, never knowing what interesting concoction we’d come up with next. Who needs jelly sandwiches when you can have a cool aid and sugar extravaganza, right?

Now, here’s where things get interesting. The government swooped in with their powdered milk, cheese, rice, and good ol’ peanut butter. Those were the routine staples that graced our humble kitchen. And you know what? We made those ingredients sing! We turned them into masterpieces that would make even the most renowned chefs green with envy.

But you know what really brings a smile to my face when I think back to those days? Waking up each morning and engaging in the ultimate race to the floor vent. Oh yes, you read that right. We would snuggle up under blankets, strategically placed over the vent, and dress ourselves in those cozy warm layers. Why, you ask? Well, because dear old Mom had to turn off the heat at night to save every penny she could. So until our house warmed up, we had our little heating methods to keep us toasty.

And you know what? Despite the hardships and the chilly mornings, I look back on those days with a sense of pride. We may have been short on cash, but we were rich in resilience and creativity. So, the next time you think back on your childhood, remember that even the pinch of poverty can add a dash of character to your life story.

Ah, those were the days.

Reflection

Formidable Woman – Natural Warrior

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2024 – Rebecca Nietert

Age 60 – Let me take you on a journey into the remarkable life of my mother, a woman who defied all odds and inspired us with her unwavering strength.

Born into a world of turbulence, my mother faced adversity from the very beginning. Abandoned by her first husband, she found herself single and shouldering the responsibility of raising four children. To make matters worse, her dating life was fraught with disappointment, as she encountered selfish men who couldn’t comprehend her value.

But my mother’s childhood was no walk in the park either. She was shuffled around, given to her grandmother because she felt unwanted among her own family. Yet, despite the challenges that seemed relentless, my mother pressed on.

Working in a factory dominated by men, she earned merely a fraction of what her male counterparts did. Yet, tirelessly she toiled, striving to make ends meet for her children. Often taking on two jobs, she taught us the meaning of independence at an early age. Together, we learned the importance of sharing household duties, pitching in with cooking and cleaning.

In those moments, I couldn’t help but marvel at the strength exuding from my mother. She seemed invincible to me, not just a mom, but also a friend. Despite the mere twenty-year age gap between us, our bond grew stronger with each passing year.

Yes, my mother made mistakes along the way. The pain etched into her journey sometimes unleashed waves of anger and confusion. But amidst it all, I never ceased to admire her unwavering determination. No one dared to criticize her children – she was the epitome of a protective “momma bear.”

As time waltzed by and years turned into memories, our relationship blossomed further. Our hearts intertwined, forging an unbreakable connection. My mother’s resilience and love knew no bounds.

To me, she wasn’t just a survivor – she was a warrior. She triumphed over the trials that life hurled at her, refusing to surrender. Through her actions, she taught us the power of perseverance, instilling in us the belief that we too could conquer any obstacle life threw our way.

Reflection

Spaghetti Diaries – Stretching the Food Bill

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2024 – Rebecca Nietert

Once upon a time about the age of 8, in the land of tight wallets and creative kitchen endeavors, we found ourselves turning spaghetti into a magical dish that lasted an entire week. Those spaghetti strands saw us through thick and thin, from Monday’s dinner to Saturday’s leftovers. It was a wild and wiggly affair, but hey, we believed in the power of pasta!

And oh boy, did we get inventive with our protein sources too. Picture this: adorable little bunnies hopping around our backyard, blissfully unaware of their delicious destiny. Yes, you guessed it right. We “hopped” into action and turned those bunnies into a tasty feast. It was a “hare-raising” experience, to say the least.

It wasn’t just our meals that got resourceful, oh no. We had some serious beauty hacks going on too. Laundry soap doubling as shampoo? Check. Fabric softener moonlighting as conditioner? Oh, you betcha! We even embraced a clean and hygienic lifestyle by swapping out cleaning supplies for our personal grooming needs. Who needs fancy potions and lotions when you’ve got the versatile magic of cleaning products?

And let me tell you, the outcome of all those frugal choices was nothing short of legendary. My skin, my friend, is a testament to those thrifty times. It’s tougher than a superhero’s cape, more rugged than a cowboy’s boots. Dare I say, my skin laughs in the face of harsh elements. Ain’t no wind, ain’t no rain, ain’t no wrinkles that can bring it down!

So here’s to the days of penny-pinching and resourcefulness. They shaped us, they challenged us, and they made us appreciate the value of every dime. But fear not, dear reader, for the era of scrimping and substituting has long passed. We’ve come a long way since those days, armed with the knowledge that life doesn’t always have to be a budget-strapped adventure.

But every now and then, when life gets a little too comfortable, we fondly look back at those spaghetti feasts and bunny banquets. Because they remind us that even in the most challenging times, laughter and a pinch of creativity can turn the blandest of days into an epic adventure. May your wallets be a little fuller now, but may your hearts always be filled with the memories of the days when you had to embrace the quirkiest solutions life threw your way. Cheers to rugged skin and tales of thrifty triumphs! 🩷

Reflection

Epic Betrayal – Lust & Violence

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2024 – Rebecca Nietert

Age 19 – It was through Chris, the guy I was dating at the time, that I met Dave. We became friends, or so I thought. One evening, we all found ourselves at my sister’s party, having a good time. But little did I know that this night would be etched into my memory like a nightmare.

As the night wore on, it became apparent that we needed more beer. The apartments we all lived in were conveniently situated within the same complex, so I suggested Dave and I go on a quick beer run to his place. Little did I know what horrors awaited me in those few short moments.

Dave’s large frame, towering at 6 foot 5 inches and weighing 320 pounds, struck an imposing figure. But I trusted him, naive to the darkness that hid within. We climbed the steps to his apartment, and as he unlocked the door, a wicked smile danced across his face. A chilling premonition should have gripped me, a warning to escape, but I remained oblivious.

As I stepped inside, Dave followed me, but instead of joining me in the room, he turned the key in the lock. Panic began to bubble within me, and I asked him what he was doing. But silence hung heavy in the air, suffocating my words. Dave, with purposeful strides, approached me, his face contorted with a twisted sense of entitlement.

In a voice laced with menace, he declared that he knew my true intentions. He claimed I had orchestrated this visit to his apartment because I desired him. No matter how vehemently I protested, my pleas fell on deaf ears. His hands forcefully grabbed me, and the next 30 minutes dissolved into a blur of physical dominance and my desperate attempts at self-defense.

I fought back, but his sheer strength overpowered me at every turn. In my agonizing vulnerability, I pleaded for him to stop, to reconsider, but he tore through my resistance, violating my boundaries in ways I can barely bring myself to recount. Once it was over, I emerged from that apartment broken, battered, and consumed by shame.

With blood staining my body, I fled back to the solitude of my sanctuary. I washed away the physical evidence, but the emotional scars ran deeper than the crimson streams that flowed down the drain. Despair engulfed me as I crawled into bed, my pain hidden away from the world. The weight of my silence became my penance, locked within the prison of my own mind.

For years, I carried this secret burden, never finding the courage to share my story. But now, in the telling, I hope to break the shackles of silence. No one should endure such terror alone. If my words reach even one person, giving them the strength to speak out, then perhaps some healing can begin.

Reflection

Crash! Shattered World

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2024 – Rebecca Nietert

I was 22. I awoke abruptly, my heart pounding, the taste of fear on my tongue. Confusion flooded my mind as I struggled to comprehend my surroundings. Where was I? What had happened? Panic set in as I surveyed the wreckage around me.

The cab of the truck I had been driving was mangled, an unrecognizable mess of twisted metal. Both the front and back were crushed, leaving me trapped within its confines. With each passing second, my terror intensified, knowing that escape seemed impossible.

I frantically attempted to open the door, my hands shaking with adrenaline. But it refused to budge, as though it was mocking my desperate attempts for freedom. I felt a warm wetness on my back and immediately knew that blood was seeping down, painting a macabre picture of the danger I was in.

My gaze shifted to the shattered back window, a small glimmer of hope in the midst of my terror. Summoning every ounce of strength left within me, I willed my body to maneuver through that narrow opening, the fear and pain pushing me onwards.

As I emerged onto the cold, unforgiving ground, the full extent of the wreckage became apparent. It was clear that someone had recklessly crashed into me from behind, propelling my truck into the brick and mortar store ahead. My mind raced, trying to comprehend the force that had caused this devastation.

The realization struck me like a bolt of lightning. In that moment, I became acutely aware of the life growing within me. I was pregnant. But the impact had taken that precious gift from me, leaving behind a void that seemed to echo with sorrow.

Dread filled my veins as I surveyed the deserted scene. The person responsible for this horror had vanished. I was left alone, injured and terrified, facing an uncertain fate. Time was against me, fading away with each passing moment.

A sudden rush of pain coursed through my body, jolting me back to the cruel reality of my situation. The blood continued its descent, a chilling reminder of the loss and danger that surrounded me. Morning had arrived quietly, indifferent to the nightmare unfolding before me.

And then, as if surrendering to the weight of my fear, my body gave way. Everything faded into darkness, my exhausted mind seeking respite from the terror that had become my existence.