I settled into a beautiful therapist’s room—soft light, a welcoming couch, a sturdy chair, a credenza adorned with thriving succulents. This time, my therapist was a man. He sank into his reclining chair and, after a moment’s pause, asked gently, “What brings you here?”
I answered honestly: “I can’t seem to feel joy.”
As I unraveled the tangled threads of my life, he listened quietly. Then he asked one question that stopped me cold: “When was the first time you felt love from a man?”
I searched my memory and finally replied, “When I was 27. I had hurt someone deeply—taken his money, mirrored the ways men had treated me, and lied through our entire friendship. Yet, when I confessed, he looked at me with a tenderness I had never seen. ‘I love you,’ he said, ‘but I can’t have you in my life. You’re toxic.’ It was in that moment I realized the toxicity was mine to own. But it was his eyes—filled with pain and love—that pierced me. For the first time, I understood men could love, too.”
The therapist looked at me and said, “You do realize I’m a man, don’t you?” I nodded, a little uncertain. He continued, “You do realize that you hate men, don’t you?”
I sat in silence, the weight of his words settling over me. Here was someone trained to see beneath the surface, naming truths I hadn’t dared utter. Forgiveness—for myself, for others—would take years. The wounds inflicted by men’s actions, the demands, oppression, domination, slander, and judgment, still haunted me. I worked tirelessly to free myself from those patterns, but it unsettled me how often men around me failed to see women as equals—in friendship, in marriage, in sisterhood, in motherhood. I found myself asking: Why does this systemic entitlement, this pattern of male oppression, persist?
The roots of systemic male entitlement and oppression run deep, woven into the fabric of society over centuries. Historically, patriarchal systems have shaped laws, customs, and cultural narratives, positioning men as default leaders and decision-makers, while relegating women to supporting roles. These patterns are perpetuated through:
– Socialization: From a young age, boys and girls are taught different expectations—boys to lead, girls to support. This is reinforced in schools, media, and even family dynamics.
– Institutional Structures: Many institutions (legal, religious, economic) have long favored men, making it difficult for women to gain equal footing.
– Cultural Narratives: Stories, myths, and media often reinforce male dominance and female subservience, subtly shaping beliefs about what is “normal” or “natural.”
– Power Dynamics: Those in power are often reluctant to relinquish it, consciously or unconsciously resisting changes that would create true equality.
Change is happening, but slowly. It requires not just policy shifts, but deep self-reflection—by individuals and by society as a whole. It’s about unlearning old narratives, listening to one another’s pain, and intentionally building relationships rooted in respect and equality.
Questions a Man Can Ask Himself
1. How do I respond when a woman sets a boundary or disagrees with me?
2. Do I listen to understand, or do I listen to respond or defend myself?
3. Am I aware of the ways my words or actions might make a woman feel unheard or dismissed?
4. Have I ever assumed I know what’s best for a woman, rather than asking her opinion or respecting her choices?
5. When was the last time I asked a woman about her experiences with gender bias or inequality—and really listened?
6. Do I expect praise or special treatment for doing things considered “basic” in a partnership or friendship?
7. Am I comfortable showing vulnerability and admitting when I’m wrong, especially to women?
8. Do I ever catch myself interrupting, talking over, or minimizing a woman’s perspective?
9. How do I react when a woman succeeds or takes the lead?
10. Do I seek out women’s expertise and leadership in my professional and personal life?
Courses of Action to Reframe Thinking & Build Connection
– Practice Active Listening:
Focus on listening without planning your response. Let her finish her thoughts and ask clarifying questions before reacting.
– Embrace Vulnerability:
Share your own feelings and uncertainties. Expressing vulnerability builds trust and shows you value emotional depth.
– Educate Yourself:
Read books, articles, or take courses about gender equality, emotional intelligence, and healthy communication. (Brené Brown’s work, “The Will to Change” by bell hooks, and Esther Perel’s talks are great starting points.)
– Challenge Assumptions:
Notice when you’re making assumptions about what women want, need, or feel. Instead, ask open-ended questions and invite her perspective.
– Support and Celebrate:
Uplift women’s achievements and ideas, both privately and publicly. Step back when appropriate and let women lead.
– Reflect on Power Dynamics:
Consider how your actions or words might reinforce old power structures. Aim to create space for equality and mutual respect.
– Apologize and Adjust:
If you realize you’ve messed up, own it without defensiveness. Apologize sincerely and ask how you can do better.
– Seek Feedback:
Ask women you trust for honest feedback about how you show up in relationships and be open to constructive criticism.
– Model Respect:
Speak up if you hear other men making derogatory or dismissive comments about women, even when it’s uncomfortable.
– Invest in Growth:
Commit to ongoing self-reflection and growth. Growth is a journey, not a destination.
The point is, it’s important to learn, grow and improve with women you are in a relationship with. In the same direction. It’s important to be positive. It’s important to encourage. It’s important to affirm, because if you don’t do all of these things, you could find yourself very alone.
Reba Nietert 