Tag: relationships

Human Interest

Possession vs. Obsession: How Control Can Ruin Relationships (And What Healthy Love Looks Like)

Reba Nietert

When we talk about love and relationships, words like “possessive” and “protective” often get tangled up. It’s easy to mistake one for the other—especially when emotions run high. But there’s a world of difference between caring for someone and trying to control them. That difference can make or break a relationship.

The Fine Line: When Does Protection Become Possession?

It’s natural to want to keep someone you love safe. But when “protection” becomes a reason to monitor, restrict, or dictate another person’s choices, it crosses into obsession and control. This shift is rarely obvious at first. It might look like:

– Constantly checking in (“Where are you? Who are you with?”)

– Deciding who your partner can talk to or spend time with

– Making all the decisions “for their own good”

– Feeling anxious or angry when they assert independence

While these actions are often justified as “caring,” they can leave the other person feeling suffocated, distrusted, and emotionally isolated.

Cultural Roots: Why Some Behaviors Are Normalized

Culture plays a huge role in shaping what we see as “normal” in relationships. In many societies, traditional gender roles have favored male dominance—sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly. Historically, men have been encouraged (or expected) to be the “head of the household,” the protector, and the decision-maker. In some cultures, this is still seen as a sign of strength and love.

But these norms can blur the line between protection and control. In patriarchal systems, controlling behaviors may be excused or even praised—while women are taught to accept or accommodate them. In contrast, cultures that value equality and autonomy tend to view such behaviors as red flags.

Examples Across Cultures:

– Western cultures: Increasingly value individual autonomy; controlling behavior is often called out as unhealthy.

– Traditional societies: May emphasize family honor, obedience, or male authority, making it harder to recognize or challenge controlling dynamics.

– Modern urban cultures: Younger generations are questioning old norms, but systemic biases can linger.

The Psychology of Male Dominance

From a psychological perspective, men raised in male-dominant systems may internalize beliefs that:

– Their role is to “lead” or “protect”—even if it means overriding their partner’s wishes.

– Jealousy or control is a sign of love.

– Vulnerability or equality is weakness.

These beliefs are reinforced by media, family, and sometimes even laws. Over time, they can create patterns of obsessive control, justified as “caring” or “protective.”

How to Recognize Obsessive Control (Even If You Think You’re Being Loving)

If you’re wondering whether your protective instincts have crossed the line, ask yourself:

– Do I trust my partner to make their own choices?

– Do I feel anxious or angry when they’re independent?

– Do I need to know where they are at all times?

– Do I make decisions for them, believing I “know best”?

– Would I be okay if they set the same rules for me?

If any of these questions make you uncomfortable, it might be time to reflect.

Moving from Control to Care: What Healthy Protection Looks Like

Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and mutual support. Here’s how to shift from control to genuine care:

– Communicate openly: Share your concerns without accusations or ultimatums.

– Respect boundaries: Allow your partner space to be themselves, even if it feels uncomfortable.

– Challenge old beliefs: Ask yourself where your ideas about “protection” come from. Are they rooted in love, or in fear?

– Seek support: Therapy or counseling (individually or as a couple) can help untangle deep-seated patterns.

Final Thoughts: Love Without Chains

True love isn’t about possession or obsession. It’s about partnership—where both people feel safe, respected, and free to grow. Cultural traditions and personal history shape how we love, but we always have the power to choose a healthier way forward.

If you’re struggling with these issues, know that you’re not alone. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Love should lift us up, not hold us back.

Human Interest

Why Partners Feel Differently About Sex as They Age—And How to Stay Connected

Reba Nietert

As couples grow older together, it’s common for their feelings about sex to shift. Sometimes, one partner’s desire changes more than the others. This can feel confusing, even isolating—but you’re not alone, and there’s a lot of research (and real-life wisdom) to help make sense of it.

The Clinical Perspective

For Men:  

Testosterone levels naturally decline with age, which can lead to a gradual decrease in libido. Medical issues (like heart disease or diabetes), medications, or even stress can also play a role. Many men report that physical intimacy becomes less about performance and more about connection as they age.

For Women:  

Women may experience hormonal changes due to menopause, leading to symptoms like vaginal dryness, discomfort, or a drop in desire. Emotional factors—like self-image, life transitions, or caregiving stress—can also impact how women feel about sex. But for many, intimacy grows richer and more meaningful, even if the frequency changes.

Clinical Proof: 

A 2020 study in the Journal of Sex Research found that while sexual frequency often declines with age, emotional satisfaction and intimacy can actually increase for many couples. Open communication and empathy were key predictors of satisfaction, regardless of physical changes.

The Human Side

Let’s be honest: aging brings a lot of changes, and not all of them are easy. But it also brings wisdom, patience, and a deeper appreciation for true connection. Sometimes, what partners need most is simply to feel seen and accepted as they are in this chapter of life.

From a Male Perspective: 

It’s normal to feel vulnerable if your body isn’t cooperating the way it used to. You might worry about disappointing your partner or losing a part of your identity. Remember, intimacy is about more than just sex—it’s about feeling close, valued, and respected.

From a Female Perspective: 

You might feel frustrated by physical changes or a shifting sense of desire. Or maybe, for the first time, you feel free to express what you really want. It’s okay to grieve what’s changed and celebrate what’s new.

What Can Couples Do?

– Talk Openly:  

  Start with honesty and kindness. “I’ve noticed some changes, and I want us to talk about how we’re both feeling.”

– Be Curious, Not Critical: 

  Ask questions, listen deeply, and avoid assigning blame.

– Explore Together:  

  Try new ways of being close—touch, massage, cuddling, or non-sexual intimacy.

– Seek Support:  

  A therapist or doctor can help with physical or emotional challenges.

– Stay Playful: 

  Laughter, flirting, and shared adventures can reignite connection.

Communicating Your Needs

– Use “I” statements: “I miss feeling close to you,” or “I’d love to try something new together.”

– Schedule regular check-ins—these don’t have to be heavy, just honest and caring.

– Remember, your needs matter—and so do your partner’s.

Aging changes a lot, but it doesn’t have to mean losing intimacy or connection. With understanding, empathy, and a willingness to adapt, couples can find new ways to love—and be loved—through every season of life.

Inspiration

When “Speaking Opinion” Turns Toxic

Reba Nietert

1. The Psychology of “Speaking Up” Without Adding Value

– Validation vs. Contribution:  

  When someone speaks up just to validate their own opinion—without offering new information, perspective, or support—they’re often seeking affirmation or visibility, not genuine dialogue. Psychologically, this can be tied to self-esteem, social belonging, or a desire for recognition.

– Social Identity Theory:  

  People sometimes speak up to signal group membership or align themselves with a perceived “in-group.” This can lead to echo chambers or repetitive commentary, especially online.

– Cognitive Dissonance:  

  If someone feels their views aren’t represented, they might speak up to reduce internal discomfort—even if their input doesn’t advance the conversation.

2. Knowing When to Be Quiet

– Active Listening:  

  Research shows that listening—especially in group settings—builds trust and increases the perceived value of your contributions when you do speak. Silence can be powerful; it shows respect and allows for deeper understanding.

– Conversational Maxim (Grice’s Maxims):  

  One of Grice’s conversational principles is “be relevant.” Speaking just to speak (without relevance) can be seen as self-serving or even disruptive.

3. What Does It Mean to Speak Without Benefit?

– Self-Validation:  

  If the only benefit is personal validation, it may be more about ego than community. This isn’t inherently negative, but if done excessively, it can be perceived as narcissistic or attention-seeking.

– Impression Management:  

  In some cases, people speak up to manage how others see them—projecting confidence, intelligence, or belonging, even if they aren’t adding value.

4. Modern Culture and “Speaking Up”

– Social Media Amplification:  

  Digital platforms reward visibility and “hot takes.” Algorithms often prioritize engagement (likes, comments), not substance. This encourages more people to speak up—even when it’s not constructive.

– Moral Outrage & “Keyboard Warriors”:  

  There’s a cultural trend toward public displays of outrage or opinion, often detached from face-to-face accountability. This can cross into gaslighting if used manipulatively or aggressively, especially when the goal is to dominate rather than dialogue.

– Gaslighting vs. Speaking Up:  

  Gaslighting involves manipulating someone to doubt their reality. While not all online outbursts are gaslighting, angry, performative “speaking up” can feel invalidating or coercive to others—especially when it’s more about venting than resolving.

5. Why Is “Speaking Up” Valued?

– Historical Context:  

  Speaking up has been critical for social change (think civil rights, whistleblowing). Culturally, it’s associated with empowerment and agency.

– Misapplication:

  The value of “speaking up” can get diluted when it’s used as a blanket justification for all commentary, even when it’s unhelpful or hostile.

Summary:  

Speaking up is valuable when it adds, clarifies, or supports. When it’s just for self-validation, it can be performative or even counterproductive. Digital culture sometimes blurs this line, rewarding noise over nuance. The healthiest communication balances speaking with active listening, and values quality over quantity. In short, if it’s not helpful, it’s best to be quiet.

Human Interest

Confessions Before Forgiveness – A Real Story, Real Pain, Received & Given.

Reba Nietert

I settled into a beautiful therapist’s room—soft light, a welcoming couch, a sturdy chair, a credenza adorned with thriving succulents. This time, my therapist was a man. He sank into his reclining chair and, after a moment’s pause, asked gently, “What brings you here?”

I answered honestly: “I can’t seem to feel joy.”

As I unraveled the tangled threads of my life, he listened quietly. Then he asked one question that stopped me cold: “When was the first time you felt love from a man?”

I searched my memory and finally replied, “When I was 27. I had hurt someone deeply—taken his money, mirrored the ways men had treated me, and lied through our entire friendship. Yet, when I confessed, he looked at me with a tenderness I had never seen. ‘I love you,’ he said, ‘but I can’t have you in my life. You’re toxic.’ It was in that moment I realized the toxicity was mine to own. But it was his eyes—filled with pain and love—that pierced me. For the first time, I understood men could love, too.”

The therapist looked at me and said, “You do realize I’m a man, don’t you?” I nodded, a little uncertain. He continued, “You do realize that you hate men, don’t you?”

I sat in silence, the weight of his words settling over me. Here was someone trained to see beneath the surface, naming truths I hadn’t dared utter. Forgiveness—for myself, for others—would take years. The wounds inflicted by men’s actions, the demands, oppression, domination, slander, and judgment, still haunted me. I worked tirelessly to free myself from those patterns, but it unsettled me how often men around me failed to see women as equals—in friendship, in marriage, in sisterhood, in motherhood. I found myself asking: Why does this systemic entitlement, this pattern of male oppression, persist?

The roots of systemic male entitlement and oppression run deep, woven into the fabric of society over centuries. Historically, patriarchal systems have shaped laws, customs, and cultural narratives, positioning men as default leaders and decision-makers, while relegating women to supporting roles. These patterns are perpetuated through:

– Socialization: From a young age, boys and girls are taught different expectations—boys to lead, girls to support. This is reinforced in schools, media, and even family dynamics.

– Institutional Structures: Many institutions (legal, religious, economic) have long favored men, making it difficult for women to gain equal footing.

– Cultural Narratives: Stories, myths, and media often reinforce male dominance and female subservience, subtly shaping beliefs about what is “normal” or “natural.”

– Power Dynamics: Those in power are often reluctant to relinquish it, consciously or unconsciously resisting changes that would create true equality.

Change is happening, but slowly. It requires not just policy shifts, but deep self-reflection—by individuals and by society as a whole. It’s about unlearning old narratives, listening to one another’s pain, and intentionally building relationships rooted in respect and equality.

Questions a Man Can Ask Himself

1. How do I respond when a woman sets a boundary or disagrees with me?

2. Do I listen to understand, or do I listen to respond or defend myself?

3. Am I aware of the ways my words or actions might make a woman feel unheard or dismissed?

4. Have I ever assumed I know what’s best for a woman, rather than asking her opinion or respecting her choices?

5. When was the last time I asked a woman about her experiences with gender bias or inequality—and really listened?

6. Do I expect praise or special treatment for doing things considered “basic” in a partnership or friendship?

7. Am I comfortable showing vulnerability and admitting when I’m wrong, especially to women?

8. Do I ever catch myself interrupting, talking over, or minimizing a woman’s perspective?

9. How do I react when a woman succeeds or takes the lead?

10. Do I seek out women’s expertise and leadership in my professional and personal life?

Courses of Action to Reframe Thinking & Build Connection

– Practice Active Listening:

  Focus on listening without planning your response. Let her finish her thoughts and ask clarifying questions before reacting.

– Embrace Vulnerability:  

  Share your own feelings and uncertainties. Expressing vulnerability builds trust and shows you value emotional depth.

– Educate Yourself:  

  Read books, articles, or take courses about gender equality, emotional intelligence, and healthy communication. (Brené Brown’s work, “The Will to Change” by bell hooks, and Esther Perel’s talks are great starting points.)

– Challenge Assumptions: 

  Notice when you’re making assumptions about what women want, need, or feel. Instead, ask open-ended questions and invite her perspective.

– Support and Celebrate:  

  Uplift women’s achievements and ideas, both privately and publicly. Step back when appropriate and let women lead.

– Reflect on Power Dynamics:  

  Consider how your actions or words might reinforce old power structures. Aim to create space for equality and mutual respect.

– Apologize and Adjust:  

  If you realize you’ve messed up, own it without defensiveness. Apologize sincerely and ask how you can do better.

– Seek Feedback:

  Ask women you trust for honest feedback about how you show up in relationships and be open to constructive criticism.

– Model Respect:

  Speak up if you hear other men making derogatory or dismissive comments about women, even when it’s uncomfortable.

– Invest in Growth:

  Commit to ongoing self-reflection and growth. Growth is a journey, not a destination.

The point is, it’s important to learn, grow and improve with women you are in a relationship with. In the same direction. It’s important to be positive. It’s important to encourage. It’s important to affirm, because if you don’t do all of these things, you could find yourself very alone.

Human Interest

Nurturing Healthy Relationships: Building Blocks to Lasting Connection

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2024 – Rebecca Nietert

Human relationships are an integral part of our lives, bringing joy, support, and fulfillment. Yet, what makes a relationship truly healthy and robust? In this blog, we explore the twelve signs of a healthy relationship, as outlined by the Cleveland Clinic. By understanding and embodying these principles, we can foster deep connections based on empathy, trust, effective communication, and shared values. Get ready to embark on a transformative journey that will elevate your relationships to new heights!

  1. Respect: A solid foundation for any healthy relationship is built on mutual respect. Honoring each other’s thoughts, opinions, and boundaries fosters an environment of trust and equality.
  2. Trust: Earning and maintaining trust is crucial. Healthy relationships are built on a solid bedrock of honesty, reliability, and faith in one another’s words and actions.
  3. Effective Communication: Open, honest, and compassionate communication forms the lifeblood of healthy relationships. By actively listening, expressing oneself clearly, and empathizing with our partners, we cultivate understanding and strengthen our bond.
  4. Agreeing to Disagree: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. In healthy relationships, partners embrace differing perspectives, acknowledging that it is possible to disagree while respecting each other’s opinions.
  5. Forgiveness: Holding onto grudges and past mistakes can poison relationships. The ability to forgive shows compassion and a willingness to let go, opening doors to healing and growth.
  6. Commitment: A healthy relationship thrives on commitment. Investing time, energy, and effort into nurturing the connection demonstrates dedication, reliability, and the intention to build a long-lasting partnership.
  7. Kindness Counts: Small acts of kindness can have a profound impact on relationships. By displaying compassion, generosity, and thoughtfulness, we create a warm and nurturing environment where love can flourish.
  8. Growing Together, Supporting Each Other: In healthy relationships, partners provide mutual support and encouragement, fostering personal growth and shared goals. Celebrating successes and standing by our loved ones in times of hardship strengthens the relationship.
  9. Mutual Decision-Making: Building a relationship around shared decision-making ensures that both partners feel heard and valued. Collaborating and compromising together leads to a stronger and more balanced connection.
  10. Facing Chaos Together: Life can be unpredictable, throwing challenges our way. Healthy relationships weather storms together, providing strength, love, and a sense of unity when navigating difficult times.
  11. Feeling Safe and Comfortable: A healthy relationship should be a sanctuary where both partners feel safe to be themselves, express their emotions, and share their vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or rejection.
  12. Taking Accountability: Each individual in a healthy relationship takes responsibility for their actions, acknowledging mistakes, and working towards personal growth. Accountability fosters trust, integrity, and a willingness to learn from our experiences.

These are vital components of a healthy relationship. By embracing empathy, trust, effective communication, respect, and shared values, you are well-equipped to cultivate connections that are fulfilling, nurturing, and lasting. Remember, healthy relationships require continuous effort and care. As you embrace these principles, may your relationships flourish, bringing love, happiness, and mutual growth to your life.

Opinion

Finding Empowerment in Challenging Circumstances

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2024 – Rebecca Nietert

Have you heard of navigating difficult situations where one’s autonomy is limited, decisions are made without consulting them, and respect is lacking. It can be disheartening to feel unheard and belittled, but there are ways to find empowerment and assert oneself. Let’s delve into some approaches that can help you in this challenging scenario.

Recognize Your Worth:

First and foremost, acknowledge your inherent value as an individual. Despite how others may treat you, remember that you are not merely an object or possession; you deserve respect and consideration. Internalizing this belief is essential for fostering self-confidence and asserting your rights.

Seek Supportive Connections:

Connect with individuals who will listen to your concerns without judgment and offer support. Trusted friends, family members, or professionals can provide a safe space to express your thoughts and emotions. Sharing your experiences with those who value your perspective can be empowering and help you regain a sense of agency.

Cultivate Personal Boundaries:

Establish clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Communicate your limits assertively and firmly but remain respectful. Articulate your discomfort when decisions are made without considering your feelings and let others know how their actions affect you. By setting boundaries, you assert your autonomy and demonstrate the importance of your emotions.

Express Yourself Responsibly:

Use your voice to express boundaries, constructive commentary, or disagreement, but do so in a considerate manner. Employing non-threatening language and sharing your perspective calmly can minimize negative reactions and create space for dialogue. It is essential to assert yourself while still promoting respectful communication.

Explore Personal Growth:

Focus on personal development and growth, even in the midst of challenging circumstances. Invest in activities that nourish your soul, such as engaging in hobbies or exploring new interests. Developing skills and pursuing passions outside the restrictive environment can provide a sense of fulfillment and empowerment.

Though encountering a situation where autonomy and respect are disregarded can be disheartening, it’s important to remember that you have the power to empower yourself. By recognizing your worth, seeking support, establishing boundaries, expressing yourself responsibly, and pursuing personal growth, you can navigate through this challenging landscape. Remember, it takes time to bring about change, but by asserting your voice and nurturing your personal well-being, you can cultivate a brighter future and find empowerment within yourself.