Inspiration

Let it Go Even When It Hurts!

Letting go is not an easy thing to do. For most of us, it’s that harsh reality that if we did we would no longer have that issue clouding our lives. A swift cut of the threads that bind us and we no longer have any expectations. What about when that cord is cut and the relationship is gone forever? What then?

I’ve learned in my lifetime that relationships although steadfast at times, rarely continue on that path. They falter, people get busy, and time passes and if there’s any distance whatsoever, a giant gap begins to creep in.  Before long, everyone is sore with each other.

I’ve said in another blog that I think it’s because when people are always together there are little things that offend them that they don’t really talk about because there’s generally better about the relationship than the bad. BUT when you move away, the bad is all they remember. The good isn’t something that sticks with people and they begin to feel that you’re just not worth the trouble anymore. Call it hurting from the abandonment they feel, or whatever. Try leaving and you will see what I mean.

Recently, a very violent and troubling hurricane ripped my town apart.  From the moment in began to come into town, my in-law family was on the phone telling me to evacuate. Hell, even a woman I haven’t seen in a decade was telling me to get out of there.  I decided to stay and posted my apprehension on my Facebook page.  Days passed and my power was out so I couldn’t post anything.  What I didn’t get to post was concern.  Then after the generator breaking and other issues with trying to stay bubbled up, I decided to hit the road through the rain and head to Dallas. All of which I did post on my social page.  I didn’t write on the page for a few more days and when I got back home after the holiday I posted that I had indeed made it back safely.

Maybe it’s because I have a laundry list of offenses, but I noticed that my siblings hadn’t called, or posted, or even acknowledged any concern for me. So while I was updating on Facebook I went to their pages. They hadn’t been on their pages.  My brother had and he sure posted often, but didn’t show any concern for me.  No comments on my posts. Nothing.  So, I thought at first, Wow.  Maybe they’re watching my FB Page and keeping up with it there?  My sister had not been on though.

I go out to lunch and I begin to talk with my gal pal about it and she tells me that they could have at least acknowledged it. She said that if they don’t even do that then I’m not on their minds at all. Out of sight, out of mind. She said that they’re not really trying to hurt me, it’s just that they’re busy enjoying their own lives. They don’t think to call. It’s not about me.

I mulled that over in my head the rest of the evening. I don’t know why that hurt me, and I needed to understand why that hurt me; and how I was going to compartmentalize that so that aforementioned laundry list wouldn’t get any bigger.

I thought long and hard about why the absence of their affection meant something this time. After all, I see my sisters and my brother laugh between them, share things and generally exclude me all the time.  I see my youngest sister who had the gift of my father her whole life post about her “sister” and not her “sisters.” It doesn’t bother me that I sent a birthday and Christmas card every year of her life and my father didn’t send my kids that many.  It doesn’t bother me that I stood in a funeral procession line after his death only to realize that 150 of his “closest friends” didn’t even know I existed.  It doesn’t bother me that I have visited a dozen times only to have them visit once.  All that is just part of living, right? It shouldn’t bother me.  So I tell myself.

Two years went by and I hadn’t called my brother. I didn’t hear from him in that two years. So the conclusion if you will, is that unless I make the calls, cultivate, organize and plan the meetings they won’t happen.  But that didn’t bother me…

I planned surprise birthday parties, I went to a wedding where the best man was my ex-boyfriend and the man who slapped me was one of her closest friends. I went to my brother’s wedding, and to the christening of his son.  For the proudest and most celebrated moments in their lives I was there.  I made it happen. Alone or not I was there.  It meant something to me to be there because I showed them that I love them. Regardless of all the past, the love that I had surpassed it all.

Last year when I went to my father funeral. I suppose that’s the deal breaker. That’s the notch in the list I cannot overcome.  How do that many people not know about me? Not one photo of me in his house.  He never spoke of me. Nobody knew about me.  It wasn’t the past any longer. This was my present. This was a huge wake up call to me.

They don’t even know my name. My brother’s children have no idea who I am. My sister’s kids act like they’re scared to death to talk to me.  It’s like somehow I have been labeled. I cannot for the life of me figure it out either? Is it truly about my posts on a Facebook page as my mother says? What is it? I don’t know, but all I feel is the sting of the rejection that comes from the emotional turmoil of it all.

Many tell me it shouldn’t bother me. This is my family! I ask why not? Why shouldn’t it hurt that they don’t care enough to reciprocate? I have spent my whole life waiting to matter to them.  I’ve shown constant love, commitment, action and general support. I guess what I realize is when it all comes down to it, I am just not a part of their priorities. Honestly it’s so sad to say because it’s pretty pathetic that I care so much, but it does hurt.

When I was young, and my mother would take me out of my bed and beat me I used to dream about my father rescuing me.  When my mother broke my jaw and cracked a bone in my arm, I used to dream about a family that didn’t do those kinds of things. I guess that the vision I have in my head is certainly a whole lot different than the one I see now.  I guess that’s perception. It’s like every so often I get a clue and I realize, “Rebecca, you’re just not important enough for them to think about you.” And I have to accept that. Feeling the discontent…

Inspiration

Reflecting on Greatest Treasures!

To think about one’s own challenges and the misery that comes from those obstacles is what each of us does especially when it surrounds us. When the emotions engulf us to the point that we cannot see the blessings and only the sadness it’s very difficult to allow ourselves the luxury of our experience; which is to know that this moment whatever that situation is; really doesn’t last that long. It’s a little blimp in the big scope of the grander scale. God’s timing.

When I was younger I saw a lot of horrible things. I lived through losing people I loved and when I got older it stopped for a while, but now I am at that age where my friends get sick, some die early, and others lose their zest for life all-together. I’ve been at that place where it’s easier to give up than it is to push forward moving ever slowly to a more peaceful life. Eventually we all end up peacefully, at rest.

This next year will mark a half of a century for me. I wonder if my contribution to this world and to all those whom I have loved dearly along my journey is enough to sustain their joy when they think about the time they’ve spent with me. Is what I have said enough? Have my actions shown how much I love them for exactly who they are? How has my behavior impacted their life? Will they know that our relationship has meant an untellable fortune to me? I can only pray it is so.

I went through one of the hardest times of my life with a woman who is very special to me. We were in a seminar and I was profoundly wounded unjustly by someone I’d known almost a decade. This woman sat by my side while I cried my tears. She encouraged me to move through the grief and pain and into a solid state of acceptance. She held me in her arms as I sobbed through my heartache. She took me to dinners afterwards, and talked for hours on the phone. She was my rock, my mountain and certainly God’s grace in carrying me through my journey. I will forever be more than grateful because she taught me what true love really is. What a treasured friendship is really all about. What grace someone can show you even when they don’t truly know you all that well. I love you, Leanna…my sister, my friend, my confidant, my teacher and with my whole heart pray that you know this.

During that time there were several women who formed my newest belief’s and helped me become responsible for my behavior and for my actions. Some helped me through identifying that which I did not want for my life and others for an attitude that I wanted. Of all the women I have met in my lifetime there has been no other graceful mentor like Mary. Not only are you my greatest confidant as well, and one of the greatest loves of my life, but someone I admire tremendously. You make me want to get closer to God, because your example is powerful. You make me want to be a better person, to be involved, to emulate a finer attitude and your force me to see my own immaturity and be responsible for that. It’s an effortless teaching not through condemnation or verbal affirmation but my example, and to me; there is no better teacher. You are truly loved and monumentally appreciated.

Taryn, Nancy, Misty, Donna, and the Road’s gang. When I think of you, I do so fondly. There’s been moments we disagreed and when we butted heads on our opposing views. Maybe there’s been talk or clarifications or even suppositions. I wouldn’t have it any other way. We’re all strong Christian sisters with our own beliefs and standards and how awesome is it that we can share a space in time when it’s just about the love we have and the appreciation for all the differences that set us apart. God, I know truly works in us all and have showed me each of your strengths, and gifts. I truly feel blessed to know you, and I am profoundly blessed that we’re still connected.

Dawn was there for me, and mentored my marriage. I cannot tell you how broken I was from the hateful and hurtful lies I’d been fed all those years. The affirmations from people who I thought were above reproach only to learn that Satan had a hold on those who I treasured and used them to create more doubt and fear in me. Once I chose a different path Dawn picked me back up. Dawn’s approach wasn’t easy. She wasn’t nice or even soft about putting me in my place. Her words of truth were like a burning sword through my flesh. She poked and prodded until I withdrew in so much pain it hurt just to breathe. She called me on my lies time and time again until I had nowhere to hide. At that point I knew that God had sent her to me. He needed me to see the real truth and not some fairytale perception I had created to make myself feel better. I’ve been living that truth since. Sometimes it offends people…sometimes people perceive that I am sad because I see so much truth, but the reality of it is that I’m still innocent. I still laugh, and I still know how to have a great time, and I still say and do stupid immature silly things because to me; keeping my childhood innocence is the second greatest gift God gave me. The first, of course, is my children.

We all came to forgiveness in roughly one day after suffering through ripping the strategically placed Band-Aids over the worst moments of our lives. We danced and I can remember going to the quiet place under the benches and looking at the rest of them laughing. Free to feel joy and laugh and each of us not only knowing but having a profound presence of God in our hearts. We became sisters. We became life-long friends. We became part of each other. That kind of understanding only comes from sharing that experience…and I am absolutely profoundly blessed to have gone through that with these amazing people. I remember all of them…the ones in my group and those who touched my life and didn’t even know it. I will always remember you.

God is always in my life… he never leaves. He is ever present, waiting for me to bring my gifts so that he can use them to meet the goals of every man. To see us all in heaven with him, beside our father and Jesus and to journey through eternity in a peaceful loving embrace. Why I don’t look up first bothers me often, but the worldly injustice bothers me so much more. I hate that my friends suffer, and that there is little that I can do to carry those burdens. Moreover I fail at letting the world know that my questions and my expectations do not arise from a self-motivated course, but merely a devoted love of my fellow man and the disappointment that I feel from others and even my own selfish actions.

I could cry today because my journey is for another to lean. I am strong, and courageous, and forthright, and tenacious and I do not need. I pray this day for you, and for those who you love that you might find joy today. That you might find happiness, and that those people whom you adore will in turn let you know how very loved that you are. I miss my friendships, I miss my loving caring sisters. I can only hope that I remember that while I cannot be with you, I can pray that He is…

To that end…I leave you with one of my favorite songs from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Disney take it away…..

Esmeralda
I don’t know if You can hear me
Or if You’re even there
I don’t know if You would listen
To a gypsy’s prayer
Yes, I know I’m just an outcast
I shouldn’t speak to you
Still I see Your face and wonder
Were You once an outcast too?

God help the outcasts
Hungry from birth
Show them the mercy
They don’t find on earth
God help my people
We look to You still
God help the outcasts
Or nobody will

Parishioners
I ask for wealth
I ask for fame
I ask for glory to shine on my name
I ask for love I can possess
I ask for God and His angels to bless me

Esmeralda
I ask for nothing
I can get by
But I know so many
Less lucky than I
Please help my people
The poor and downtrodden
I thought we all were
The children of God
God help the outcasts
Children of God