struggle – Reba Nietert

There is a specific kind of exhaustion that comes from carrying a past you’ve already outlived. Lately, I’ve been wrestling with the ghosts of my own choices, feeling the weight of things I thought were buried. This post is my exhaling. It is a declaration of where I’ve been, what I’ve done, and the mercy I am finally choosing to accept.”

If you are carrying a weight that was never meant for your shoulders, I invite you to leave a piece of it here. What is one thing you are ready to forgive yourself for today? Let’s walk toward the light together.

For days, my mind has been a battlefield where peace went to die. I have been breathing the stale air of a “past long gone,” dragging old ghosts into the present until my soul became heavy with the haunting. I felt it in my marrow and in the “second brain” of my stomach—a rising acid of remorse, a conflict of the ego that no medicine could soothe.

I realized that to swallow this bitterness any longer would be to drown.

Today, I choose the only way out: The way of the Alchemist. I am turning my culpability into a present accountability. I am not merely apologizing for my struggle; I am honoring it by allowing it to become a testimony.

The Confession

I walked a path of shadows and ill repute,

Weaving webs of manipulation for a life of gilded ease.

I cost men their kingdoms to furnish my own,

Trading integrity for a view few ever see.

I asked for love, and when the Great Provider gave a seed,

I let fear bloom where a child should have grown.

I cast away the miracle to keep the ghost of my freedom,

Choosing the cold silence of “no” over the warmth of “yes.”

I have been the architect of my own envy,

Comparing my reflection to a world of curated lies.

I have been lazy in my promises and a shortcut-taker in my craft,

Slandering the innocent and dismissing the weary with a judge’s gavel.

I have lacked the very character I claimed to possess,

Wounding the seen and the unseen with the sharp edge of my ego.

The Surrender

But the acid has reached the brim, and I am finished with the burning.

Heavenly Father, I stand before You stripped of my pretenses.

I confess the stains, the shortcuts, and the intentional hurts.

I ask for the blood of Jesus to act as a holy solvent—

To wash the “ill repute” until only the “reputation of Grace” remains.

Forgive me for the pain I caused that I cannot see.

Forgive me for the years I spent coveting what was never mine.

Take the lordship of every broken room in my heart.

The New Spirit

I exchange my “second ego” for Your first-rate Peace.

I thank You for the courage to look at my reflection without flinching,

And for the mercy that refuses to run dry, even when I am parched.

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

The struggle is honored. The sin is covered. The testimony begins.

I’ve learned that my body was never meant to be a warehouse for my regrets. It was meant to be a temple for my peace. How are you tending to your temple today?

Jennifer and I have been inseparable for over two decades. We’ve laughed, cried, and shared countless memories together. But when she fell ill five years ago, it felt like our world shattered.

Doctors were baffled by her condition, running test after test, only to come up empty-handed. They knew something was wrong, but the elusive carcinoma remained hidden. It was a frustrating and agonizing period for Jennifer, who wanted nothing more than answers and relief from her suffering.

Then, two years later, the pain in her abdomen became unbearable. That’s when we received the earth-shattering news – liver cancer. The doctors suspected it had metastasized from another form of cancer, leading them to pose a simple question: “Have you ever had a mammogram?” Jennifer’s reply was heartbreaking – “No.” They had never thought to ask for that test.

In that heartbreaking moment, Jennifer received a sobering diagnosis. Stage four breast, pelvic, and liver metastasized cancers. Our family was devastated, unsure of what the future held for our beloved sister and friend.

But then came Dr. Trumbly, a beacon of hope amidst the turmoil. He looked into Jennifer’s eyes and promised to do everything in his power to ensure she had a fighting chance at a long and fulfilling life. And true to his word, he has gone above and beyond, exploring the latest treatments and advancements in cancer care.

Jennifer fought valiantly, conquering the battle twice, proving that she was a force to be reckoned with. Dr. Trumbly stood by her side every step of the way, providing unwavering support and delivering the newest treatments with unwavering dedication.

Yet, despite their efforts and Jennifer’s incredible resilience, she finds herself facing adversity once again. It’s a blow that has left us all reeling, uncertain of what lies ahead. But we refuse to give up hope, knowing that Jennifer’s tenacity and Dr. Trumbly’s expertise may yet prevail.

This is not just a story of illness, but a testament to the power of friendship, love, and the unwavering determination of a doctor who refuses to surrender. Jennifer’s journey is a reminder to us all that even in the darkest of times, there is always a flicker of hope.

So, as I sit here, penning this heartfelt account, I want to urge you to cherish every moment with those you hold dear. Embrace the joy, the laughter, and the love that surrounds you. And remember, there are heroes out there like Dr. Trumbly, warriors like Jennifer, who continue to defy the odds and inspire us all.

Together, let us lend our support, raise awareness, and stand united in the fight against cancer. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned from Jennifer’s journey, it’s that there is strength in love and hope, and miracles can happen when we least expect them.

Tag: struggle

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