Inspiration

Need Help? Seek Help!

I was 21 and I was failing miserably at trying to take care of myself. I had no real education. On my own since 14, I barely managed to squeeze a high school diploma and college wasn’t affordable or obtainable. I was desperately trying to pay the rent but the jobs I got weren’t more than $4 bucks an hour. It was slim picking too. In the 1980’s America suffered the worst depression since the 1930’s. Many don’t remember walking in and finding entire neighborhoods with boarded up homes. Houston’s “addicks” had just that. People were getting rid of Cadillacs and buying Volkswagen Rabbits to conserve the gas. CNN brought the rest of the world to us and it was scary. I just needed food. With one can of “Chicken and Stars” in my cupboard I realized I was a few days from being homeless, and then I was. There’s really nothing like the pain of hunger. If our basic need is security and food then one of mine was missing. The ache is do deep it’s in your bones. Your head gets foggy, your mouth stops watering and a sense of nothing comes over. The only thought, concept, goal, is food and shelter…but food first. I wanted to live, to be alive, to survive, but I wasn’t making it. I was hungry and after cleaning up in public restrooms and using what money I did have to scrounge enough together for meals, I was flat broke, skinny, tired and angry because I couldn’t figure out how to get where I wanted. It was then I met someone who offered to teach me how to be independent. This is the lesson….when you’re hungry, and starving for whatever it is that you need, values, morals, and a real sense of right and wrong no longer become your focus. When you’re at your lowest and the pain is so powerful it’s hard to think of anything other than exactly what you need because human survival is such a powerful drive. Intellect, and it’s rationalization is a non factor. People make choices that determine their whole life because the moment they are in is so bad the piercing reality is to harsh to bear. Pause. If you live to be 80 then the moment you are in right now will soon be a blimp on the radar of your life. Taking time to really let someone know you need help can save you and your whole life. Get help. Get fed, even if it’s just your soul. If you’re hungry there are people out there like me who give a crap. Seek them.

I’m always available for a phone call or an email or comment if you’re really in trouble and need immediate help.

Revelations

The Art Surviving

A long time ago, I developed a mechanism to deal with pain. I would shut my eyes and tell myself to forget. Whatever it was that scared me or made me fearful or caused me great pain all I had to do was tell myself it didn’t happen. I got so good at this over the years that I could easily process through grief or anger or even abandonment much faster then people around me. What this did was shock every one I knew because they either felt like I didn’t care or they felt like I had the ability to forgive easier than they did. Neither was the case!

The reason that I process quicker is not because I have all the courage in the world. It’s because I am so afraid to feel the pain that I turn it off. I cannot allow myself the luxury of being sad for long periods of time, because to me that is the ultimate sign of weakness…

I know this to be a flawed hypothesis, because over the years I have been to extensive therapy and I have learned that when you suppress the bad memories and/or the pain you also suppress the good memories!

It’s not that I am not willing to go through the pain at my age. I think I have a evolved into a master of masking my feelings so much that I cannot identify how I feel let alone have the capacity to really focus on a healthier mental state of mind.

The worst part about self reflection is the moment when you realize that you may never be able to fundamentally change the brokenness, the victimization, the actions of another, whether evil or not. Or whether those actions were intentional from those who profess to love you and end up hurting you.

Sometimes it’s best to know that you can forgive, and move on. Some things cannot be fixed. Some actions can’t be taken back. People are just people. We are all have fears, doubts, and actions we wish we didn’t take!

Even though those actions hurt me deeply I cannot use that pain to try and understand my future any longer!

I am going to have to figure out a way to have grace and forgiveness in my heart all the time not just part time and to take that grace and forgiveness and look at somebody with merciful eyes and give every single person that I see a chance of newness, freshness and genuine sincerity. I think that’s just what I’m going to have to do…. because right now, that’s all I can do!