Author: Reba Nietert

Speaker, Inspirational Motivator, Networker, Cheif Cook, & mom of five children, with fur babies too. Wife of a good man, and think outside-the-box entrepreneur.
SoftArmor

Lost in the Fog? It’s Time for Your Personal “Identity Audit”

Reba Nietert

We’ve all been there. That heavy, sinking feeling where you look around at your life—your job, your habits, your relationships—and something just feels off. You’re functioning, you’re busy, but the question keeps whispering: “Who am I, really, and what am I doing?”

This isn’t a failure. This feeling of being “lost” is actually a profound call to action. It’s your soul telling you that the map you’ve been following no longer leads to your true north. And the way to find your bearings again? It’s time to conduct a personal Identity Audit.

What Exactly is an Identity Audit?

Think of your life as a large, beautiful home. Over the years, you’ve filled it with furniture, decorations, and even junk—some of it yours, some of it inherited, and some of it just things you bought because everyone else had them.

An Identity Audit is simply a compassionate, systematic inventory of that house:

  • The Inventory: You look at your core values, your day-to-day actions, the roles you play (parent, professional, friend), and your deepest beliefs about yourself and the world.
  • The Alignment Check: You ask: Does this item truly belong to me? Does this belief still serve my highest good? Does this role truly reflect who I want to be now?
  • The Re-Centering: It’s the process of deliberately shedding the things that don’t align and intentionally choosing to nurture the parts of you that have been waiting to be seen.

It’s not about judgment; it’s about alignment. You’re not “fixing” a broken person; you’re simply clearing the clutter so your authentic self can finally shine through.

Why You Feel Lost—And Why the Audit is the Antidote

That “lost” feeling is often a sign of misalignment. Here are three common culprits that an Identity Audit helps uncover:

1. Wearing Someone Else’s Armor 🛡️

For years, you may have been wearing an identity—a soft armor—that you built for protection or to meet someone else’s expectations. Maybe it’s the “successful executive,” the “perfect partner,” or the “easy-going friend.” This armor worked for a time, but it’s become too heavy, too tight, and it’s obscuring the real you. The audit asks: What beliefs am I holding onto because I think I ‘should’ be someone else?

2. Your Values Have Evolved, But Your Life Hasn’t 🌲

You are not a static being. The person who valued hustle and external achievement at 25 may now, at 35 or 45, yearn for presence, creativity, and deeper connection. When your daily life and commitments are still based on your old values, the disconnect causes that feeling of emptiness. The audit helps you articulate your current core values and shows you where your time and energy need to be redirected.

3. You’re Living on Autopilot ✈️

Loss of identity happens when you stop asking questions. You just keep going through the motions. An Identity Audit forces you to take the stick back. It’s a moment of radical self-reflection where you become the active architect of your life, not just a passenger in it.

Reclaim Your Center. Step Into Your Soft Armor.

The journey from “lost” to “found” is less about finding a new destination and more about realizing you were never truly gone—you were just hidden beneath layers of outdated narratives.

An Identity Audit is the gentle, yet powerful process of remembering who you are at your core, and building a life that feels authentic, sustainable, and right. It’s about designing a life that feels like a comfortable, protective embrace—your Soft Armor.

If this resonates with that quiet, yearning part of you, you are exactly where you need to be. There are tools, resources, and a supportive community ready to guide you through this process of self-discovery and realignment.

Ready to gently begin the inventory of your beautiful, complex self?

Find your way home. Click here to explore the path to your most aligned self at thesoftarmor.com.

Where your strength lies in your softness.

Human Interest

When Others Judge – Holding it Together

Reba Nietert

These past weeks have been a DOOZY for me. While I used to be a bad ass during stressful situations, I have come to learn with experience that loss, real loss, devastating – change – your – life -loss can happen in a moment. Sometimes I think I am one more change away from losing my mind. The older I get the more the fear of loss is real. There’s been a great deal of trauma involved, and that lends itself to more anxiety. Faith. I must have it. God’s got this I tell myself. Naturally, I must learn to believe that.

People often get mad when they’re afraid because anger can be a defense mechanism to cope with the uncomfortable feelings of fear and a sense of vulnerability. If trauma has taught them they cannot trust an unknown outcome, this can be very scary for the people on the other side of that fear. Both fear and anger trigger the “fight-or-flight” response, releasing stress hormones and preparing the body for action. When the nervous system is activated by fear, an individual may unconsciously choose to express this heightened energy as anger, a way to regain a sense of control and protect themselves from a perceived threat.

Anxiety and anger activate the body’s fight-or-flight (stress) response, which triggers the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis to release cortisol, the primary stress hormone. Specifically, the hypothalamus releases corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH), which signals the pituitary gland to release adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH). This, in turn, prompts the adrenal glands to produce and release cortisol into the bloodstream, providing energy to deal with the perceived threat.

I am not sure what the answer is to make sure people around me feel loved. If I lose my shit, something awful has just happened. I am in the thick of cortisol jet streaming throughout my body, and I am one comment away from either losing my mind or walking away because the emotion is too great for me. Horrible but true.

Breathe Beck. Just Breathe.

Inspiration

The Informed Choice: What No One Tells You About Staying Home

Reba Nietert

When I first chose to stay home with my babies, I thought I was making the best, most loving decision for my family. I was educated, informed, and determined to give my children the care and presence I never wanted to outsource. But what nobody tells you—what no one warns you about—is the invisible contract you’re signing when you make that decision. And unless you sit down and have a brutally honest conversation with your significant other, you may find yourself in a position you never intended: servitude.

Let me be clear—I’m not talking about the joy of raising your own children or the privilege of being there for their first steps, their giggles, and their scraped knees. I’m talking about the *other* job description that comes with “stay-at-home mom.” The one that’s rarely discussed, but always expected.

When you choose to stay home, unless you draw boundaries and set expectations, you’re not just agreeing to childcare. You’re silently agreeing to every single household duty—inside and out. That means:

– All the cleaning, every day, top to bottom.

– Home maintenance, pest control, window washing, laundry, linens, towels, annual curtain cleaning, sofa scrubbing.

– Taking care of pets, organizing PTA meetings, volunteering at school, managing play dates and social calendars—for the kids, not yourself.

– Cooking dinner night after night, planning meals within a budget, and somehow making the money stretch.

– Managing the “allowed” income, often with no guarantee that anything left over is truly yours.

– And after all that, you haven’t even begun to address your own needs, friendships, or personal time.

The most insidious part? There’s no clocking out. It’s a 24/7 job. The minute you finish the dishes, someone dirties another. The laundry is never-ending. The sense of accomplishment is fleeting, if it ever comes at all.

I remember the days when I would schedule cleaning baseboards, prep dinner so it was hot when my husband walked in, have the kids bathed and in bed so all he had to do was eat, relax, and watch TV. My home was spotless, my children were cared for, and my partner’s only job was to recover from his day. If that’s the life you want, and it works for you—embrace it with gratitude. But make sure you know what you’re signing up for.

If you haven’t talked to your spouse or partner about who does what—about who handles the lawn, the dinners after 7pm, the late-night emergencies, the never-ending chores—you’re not making an informed decision. My advice? Write it all down. Decide together who’s responsible for what. Make room for your own time, your own needs, your own life.

Because here’s the truth: nobody in their right mind would sign up for a lifetime of servitude to someone who works an eight-hour job, unless they truly understood what that means. And for the women who do all of this *and* work outside the home? You are my heroes. I did it for 15 years, and it’s a different kind of stress—one that no one is prepared for until they’re living it.

So before you make your choice, talk. Plan. Write it down. Make sure your decision is truly informed. Because loving your family shouldn’t mean losing yourself.

Human Interest

Possession vs. Obsession: How Control Can Ruin Relationships (And What Healthy Love Looks Like)

Reba Nietert

When we talk about love and relationships, words like “possessive” and “protective” often get tangled up. It’s easy to mistake one for the other—especially when emotions run high. But there’s a world of difference between caring for someone and trying to control them. That difference can make or break a relationship.

The Fine Line: When Does Protection Become Possession?

It’s natural to want to keep someone you love safe. But when “protection” becomes a reason to monitor, restrict, or dictate another person’s choices, it crosses into obsession and control. This shift is rarely obvious at first. It might look like:

– Constantly checking in (“Where are you? Who are you with?”)

– Deciding who your partner can talk to or spend time with

– Making all the decisions “for their own good”

– Feeling anxious or angry when they assert independence

While these actions are often justified as “caring,” they can leave the other person feeling suffocated, distrusted, and emotionally isolated.

Cultural Roots: Why Some Behaviors Are Normalized

Culture plays a huge role in shaping what we see as “normal” in relationships. In many societies, traditional gender roles have favored male dominance—sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly. Historically, men have been encouraged (or expected) to be the “head of the household,” the protector, and the decision-maker. In some cultures, this is still seen as a sign of strength and love.

But these norms can blur the line between protection and control. In patriarchal systems, controlling behaviors may be excused or even praised—while women are taught to accept or accommodate them. In contrast, cultures that value equality and autonomy tend to view such behaviors as red flags.

Examples Across Cultures:

– Western cultures: Increasingly value individual autonomy; controlling behavior is often called out as unhealthy.

– Traditional societies: May emphasize family honor, obedience, or male authority, making it harder to recognize or challenge controlling dynamics.

– Modern urban cultures: Younger generations are questioning old norms, but systemic biases can linger.

The Psychology of Male Dominance

From a psychological perspective, men raised in male-dominant systems may internalize beliefs that:

– Their role is to “lead” or “protect”—even if it means overriding their partner’s wishes.

– Jealousy or control is a sign of love.

– Vulnerability or equality is weakness.

These beliefs are reinforced by media, family, and sometimes even laws. Over time, they can create patterns of obsessive control, justified as “caring” or “protective.”

How to Recognize Obsessive Control (Even If You Think You’re Being Loving)

If you’re wondering whether your protective instincts have crossed the line, ask yourself:

– Do I trust my partner to make their own choices?

– Do I feel anxious or angry when they’re independent?

– Do I need to know where they are at all times?

– Do I make decisions for them, believing I “know best”?

– Would I be okay if they set the same rules for me?

If any of these questions make you uncomfortable, it might be time to reflect.

Moving from Control to Care: What Healthy Protection Looks Like

Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and mutual support. Here’s how to shift from control to genuine care:

– Communicate openly: Share your concerns without accusations or ultimatums.

– Respect boundaries: Allow your partner space to be themselves, even if it feels uncomfortable.

– Challenge old beliefs: Ask yourself where your ideas about “protection” come from. Are they rooted in love, or in fear?

– Seek support: Therapy or counseling (individually or as a couple) can help untangle deep-seated patterns.

Final Thoughts: Love Without Chains

True love isn’t about possession or obsession. It’s about partnership—where both people feel safe, respected, and free to grow. Cultural traditions and personal history shape how we love, but we always have the power to choose a healthier way forward.

If you’re struggling with these issues, know that you’re not alone. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Love should lift us up, not hold us back.

Human Interest

Why Partners Feel Differently About Sex as They Age—And How to Stay Connected

Reba Nietert

As couples grow older together, it’s common for their feelings about sex to shift. Sometimes, one partner’s desire changes more than the others. This can feel confusing, even isolating—but you’re not alone, and there’s a lot of research (and real-life wisdom) to help make sense of it.

The Clinical Perspective

For Men:  

Testosterone levels naturally decline with age, which can lead to a gradual decrease in libido. Medical issues (like heart disease or diabetes), medications, or even stress can also play a role. Many men report that physical intimacy becomes less about performance and more about connection as they age.

For Women:  

Women may experience hormonal changes due to menopause, leading to symptoms like vaginal dryness, discomfort, or a drop in desire. Emotional factors—like self-image, life transitions, or caregiving stress—can also impact how women feel about sex. But for many, intimacy grows richer and more meaningful, even if the frequency changes.

Clinical Proof: 

A 2020 study in the Journal of Sex Research found that while sexual frequency often declines with age, emotional satisfaction and intimacy can actually increase for many couples. Open communication and empathy were key predictors of satisfaction, regardless of physical changes.

The Human Side

Let’s be honest: aging brings a lot of changes, and not all of them are easy. But it also brings wisdom, patience, and a deeper appreciation for true connection. Sometimes, what partners need most is simply to feel seen and accepted as they are in this chapter of life.

From a Male Perspective: 

It’s normal to feel vulnerable if your body isn’t cooperating the way it used to. You might worry about disappointing your partner or losing a part of your identity. Remember, intimacy is about more than just sex—it’s about feeling close, valued, and respected.

From a Female Perspective: 

You might feel frustrated by physical changes or a shifting sense of desire. Or maybe, for the first time, you feel free to express what you really want. It’s okay to grieve what’s changed and celebrate what’s new.

What Can Couples Do?

– Talk Openly:  

  Start with honesty and kindness. “I’ve noticed some changes, and I want us to talk about how we’re both feeling.”

– Be Curious, Not Critical: 

  Ask questions, listen deeply, and avoid assigning blame.

– Explore Together:  

  Try new ways of being close—touch, massage, cuddling, or non-sexual intimacy.

– Seek Support:  

  A therapist or doctor can help with physical or emotional challenges.

– Stay Playful: 

  Laughter, flirting, and shared adventures can reignite connection.

Communicating Your Needs

– Use “I” statements: “I miss feeling close to you,” or “I’d love to try something new together.”

– Schedule regular check-ins—these don’t have to be heavy, just honest and caring.

– Remember, your needs matter—and so do your partner’s.

Aging changes a lot, but it doesn’t have to mean losing intimacy or connection. With understanding, empathy, and a willingness to adapt, couples can find new ways to love—and be loved—through every season of life.

Human Interest

Retrospection of July 4th – Gratefulness

Reba Nietert

This weekend, my heart is full. My adult children—independent, capable, and busy with their own lives—are home for a few precious days. As I sit here reflecting, I’m swept up in a wave of gratitude and nostalgia.

When Scott and I were raising Beth and Jake, it was just the four of us, moving from place to place, creating our own little world wherever we landed. Without extended family nearby, we became each other’s everything. Every adventure, every challenge, every laugh and tear, we faced together.

Ten years ago, our family grew in ways I could never have imagined. Welcoming Brandon, Sami, and Laura (and sometimes their brother Brad & his kids Evie and Steven) into our home was a leap of faith and love. What moved me most was how quickly Beth and Jake—then college-aged—rushed home to help. They made sure their new siblings felt safe, loved, and truly part of a family. Their compassion and support inspired me then, and it still does today.

This weekend, all of us—plus two Brittany pups and a black lab—piled onto the couches, wrapped in cozy blankets, watching movies as fireworks lit up the night outside. For a fleeting moment, time seemed to stand still. Love filled the room, and I felt a tear slip down my cheek—grateful for this rare pause in our busy lives.

The Fourth of July always brings memories of my parents’ anniversary, and this year, I felt their presence even more keenly. Losing my mom a few years ago reminded me just how short and precious life is. Sitting here, surrounded by family, I’m reminded that these simple, shared moments are the greatest blessings of all.

Inspiration

This Isn’t a Scandal—It’s a Testimony

Reba Nietert

People love to throw your past in your face like it’s supposed to break you. But here’s the truth: I lived it. I cried through it, survived it, and—most importantly—I healed from it.

If you want the story, I’ll tell it myself, start to finish, and I’ll do it with no shame in my voice. Every mistake, every heartbreak, every lesson learned in the dark—those are chapters I’ve made peace with. I don’t run from my past; I own it. I’ve swept out the shadows and turned them into stepping stones.

So, if you came to drag me down, you might want to sit down and take some notes instead.  

Because this isn’t a scandal.  

It’s a testimony.

Every scar is proof that I survived. Every setback taught me something I needed to know. And every time I was counted out, I got back up—stronger, wiser, and more determined than ever.

You see, overcoming isn’t about pretending you’ve never struggled. It’s about standing tall and saying, “Yes, I’ve been through it. And I’m still here.”  

That’s not just survival—it’s victory.

So, here’s to everyone who’s made peace with their past and is unashamed to tell their story. Your journey isn’t something to hide. It’s something to celebrate.

Human Interest

Unbreakable: What I’ve Learned About Stress, Strength, and Moving Forward

Reba Nietert

There are moments in life when stress doesn’t just tap you on the shoulder—it knocks you flat. Recently, I found myself in one of those moments. The pressure built up so intensely that my body waved a white flag: shingles, right inside my eyes. The headaches, exhaustion, and relentless fatigue were unlike anything I’d known. For someone who has always prided herself on grit and stamina, it was a humbling wake-up call.

When I was younger, I wore stress like a badge of honor—thriving on the adrenaline, juggling a million things, always pushing for more. But as the years have added up, so has the cost of that constant hustle. This older body? It doesn’t bounce back the way it used to. Every ache, every bit of fatigue, is a reminder that I’m not invincible.

But here’s what’s unshakable: my spirit.  

I am tenacious to the core. Even when my body is tired, my will is fierce. I believe—truly—that the mind can overcome anything life throws our way. I refuse to let a diagnosis, a setback, or a tough season define me. Instead, I choose to show up. I show up with purpose, with intent, and with the determination to do what needs to be done—no matter how hard it feels.

That’s what courage looks like.  

It isn’t always flashy or loud. Sometimes, it’s just putting one foot in front of the other when you’d rather stay in bed. It’s making the call, writing the email, or meeting the client when your energy is running on empty. It’s refusing to let fear or pain dictate your story.

Resilience isn’t about never falling down—it’s about how many times you get back up.  

So even as my cortisol levels wreak havoc and my body begs for rest, I keep moving forward. One deliberate step at a time. Because that’s who I am—unstoppable.

If you’re facing your own season of stress or struggle, know this:  

You are stronger than you think. Your spirit is tougher than any challenge. And even when life tries to slow you down, you have the power to keep going.

Here’s to every one of us who keeps showing up, no matter what.  

We are unbreakable.

Human Interest

Let the Sun in – Refresh the Soul

Reba Nietert

Not every day will unfurl in sunlight;

some will ask more of your patience,

your resolve,

your soul.

But if you pause—

let the noise settle,

draw a deep breath,

and turn your gaze toward gratitude,

you’ll begin to see the quiet blessings,

threaded softly through the fabric of your day.

Even when storms gather,

when the world feels weighty and wild,

there remains,

however faint,

a glimmer of something to be thankful for.

On these harder days,

may we lean in a little closer,

stay present,

and truly see the gifts

we so often let slip by.

Gratitude becomes a lantern,

guiding us with gentle wisdom,

reminding us that even in darkness,

there is always light to be found

for those willing to seek it.

Uncategorized

Heaven-Touched Views: Life in a Craftsman Mountain Home

Reba Nietert

There’s a kind of magic that only exists deep in the heart of the mountains, where a craftsman-style home nestles quietly among the pines and wildflowers. Here, the world feels both infinite and intimate—views stretch up to heaven, blue and endless, while the sturdy beams and warm wood of the household you close, safe and grounded.

Every window frames a living masterpiece: sunbeams spilling over distant ridges, clouds drifting lazily above peaks, and forests whispering secrets only the mountains know. The air is always a little cooler, edged with the scent of pine and earth, as if the whole world is taking a deep, cleansing breath.

Outside, playfulness is the order of the day. Pups dart and dash across the meadow, chasing birds that swoop just out of reach and small critters that scurry through the brush. Their joy is contagious, their energy a gentle reminder to savor every moment—to let laughter echo off the hills and let curiosity lead us down winding paths.

There’s so much to do here that you can’t do anywhere else, especially when the temperatures dip and the world feels fresh and new. Midday rides on horseback become adventures through golden light and dappled shadows, the rhythmic clop of hooves blending with the rush of a nearby stream. Biking through valleys, the landscape rolls out before you—each turn revealing a new secret, a new thrill. The call of the wild grows stronger as you climb higher, ATV roaring up to the tallest points, where the world falls away beneath you and the sky feels close enough to touch.

Fly fishing in crystal clear waters is a meditation, a dance between patience and hope. The sun glints on the surface, the line arcs gracefully, and for a moment, there’s only you, the water, and the promise of something wonderful just beneath the surface.

And when the day’s adventures are done, there’s nothing like gathering around a table filled with homegrown ingredients—crisp greens, sweet berries, and the hearty flavors of food crafted with love and care. The laughter is warmer, the stories richer, and the sense of belonging deeper.

In this place, the quiet is never lonely. It’s filled with the music of the wind, the playful bark of a dog, the distant call of a bird, and the gentle hum of a life well-lived. Here, in the crisp mountain air, every moment is an invitation—to play, to reflect, to love, and to truly live.