Inspiration

Resolution or Goal!?

I always begin the new year with a reflection of what I learned a year prior. With that being said this has been a complete blast yet very emotionally draining year. My beloved “state of mind” home was sold this year, my son moved to Colorado, and I learned that Dallas would be my home for the next several years. Every year I make a picture book for all my children, like a sort of yearbook for them to look back on the good things we did over the past year. So, when they look back on their childhood and the mundane tasks they had to overcome, they realize there were a lot of blessings along the way.

The night before 2019 has pushed 2018 aside, I sit wondering if I should spend the next year focused on creating more happy moments for the children or if I should focus on building my independent small press company? Do I have a right to dream at this point, or should I postpone the season of my personal success so that I can give them more opportunities for their success? I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for 26+ years and I think I’ve paid my dues? So should I set goals and resolutions?

Here’s my mommy/businesswoman advice: we all have these questions. We all have that dialog that tells us we’re not doing enough for our kids, they won’t have a relationship with us if their childhood is not constantly happy, or we’re just not good parents. Give yourself a break! Kids will find our errors if we do everything right! You’re not perfect! Neither am I but after witnessing my grown kids tackle life I’m glad I’m not! In an effort to try to give my children everything I did not have I thought I had forgotten to give them what I did. I was wrong! My kids are happy independent adults making their way. They’re decent and honest. They don’t disparage other humans. They fight for the underdog. They both are faithful believers. How much more success is there?

Relax! Make your goals! Don’t be afraid to put yourself first sometimes because then when you do, that happiness will trickle down to those you love! You will teach your kids how to be a healthy happy adult! Find the right fit and balance for your own life!

Happy New Year! ūüéäūüéÜūüéą May this year be all that you desire and bring reverence and respect from those you cherish!

amwriting, Inspiration

Why do we care so much!?

The other day, I posted some witty banter about a declaration. My statement was designed to make people think about the word “pride.” You see sometimes I am prideful and sometimes I am not. When I get haughty and I believe that I deserve a certain something, that’s when pretty much everything in my life takes a drastic turn from relationships to successful income to you name it. In addition to my efforts in transparency, I wanted to publish the statement so that in the next few days when I am not feeling so humbled, I can peruse through my social media and remember to let go of that which I cannot control.

Sadly, all it did was make people feel I was sad or make people feel I was desperate. Neither of which is true. My post said something like this: “there is peace in knowing that in 100 years whatever I did will not matter.” I wasn’t trying to go dark. I’m certainly not a quitter. I’m certainly not somebody who wouldn’t try to make an impact on society. That’s just did my make up.

I wrote that statement as a testimony of the actualization an understanding that comes from their ability to see I have no control. Therefore, when I tried to over exceed and put wealth as a tagline to my speaking or writing books or promoting other authors or publishing other author books, I am reminded that I can only do what I can do. I may never be The best Publisher, the best writer, the best speaker and somehow that gave me a sense of peace. I stopped trying to do it to be the best and started trying to do things that I love to do. And somehow, releasing that need to make my mark gave me immense peace.

That might cause anxiety for somebody else but for me, as a self-proclaimed control freak, today anyway, I’m a little bit calmer. The impact I have on today is only for the legacy I will leave behind for those I already know. I will have no impact on their children’s children. Somehow, learning to be the best person I can be so that my dialogue with myself is joyful, confident, and ultimately peaceful. After all, isn’t that what all of us want?

Why do you care so much? What’s the worst that can happen? Learning when to speak and what to say is profoundly as important as knowing when to shut up and be quiet ūü§ź! Lol Learning this fundamental art can be the difference between life long-lasting relationships with the legacy you want to leave versus a life filled with angst and torment from feeling out of control. I write this today as much for anybody who reads it as well as for myself for reference I don’t later date when I will certainly need it!

Take care, Reba

#AmWriting #Publisher #Writeangst #SpreadSomeLove

amwriting, books, fiction, Inspiration, Opinion, Reflection

Encouraging Inspiration…

When children are raised with more criticism than encouragement, discrimination, abuse, neglect, loathing, or condemnation; and then suffer PTSD from violent criminal acts, that child would sooner lash out than treat others with calm grace.  When a toxic parent (I hate that word) uses a long list of arsenal built over time such as lying, judging, abuse, using shame, manipulation, abandonment, humiliation and also criticisms to establish control over you, it’s not okay.  

Christians must understand they are to revere parents. To respect despite how they act, the words they use, or how they lead their lives.  In this difficulty, that many struggle with behavioral challenges they find increasingly difficult to navigate through.  This concept is good in theory from a Proverbs 31 woman or a man raised with Timothy, but become increasingly difficult with a parent who falls extremely short of that kind of maturity.  Nonetheless, it is still called us.   

The negative behaviors that cause emotional damage are designed to control a child’s behavior but deliver merely doubt for their own importance, their worth, that they are deserving of love, of approval, of validation and that they are insignificant.  To be taught that God loves above all rubies and jewels are merely words to these children.  The concept of such love is so foreign that they live their lives in utter confusion. 

It does not matter the depth of love you have for someone, if they remain broken and unwilling to change their brokenness, they will only continue to damage you from the inside out.  No amount of self-reflection nor explanation will fix the brokenness inside you. So to keep the relationship you love intact, you must come to terms with the truth that you may need to understand appropriate boundaries, you must understand that you will be the stronger one and that the pain they cause may bubble up from time to time.  So do not flog yourself over weakness for the choice to love them despite their actions, because that is quite a strength.  Put up an emotional forcefield and allow their comments to bounce off you.  

You may have been led to believe that you’re not lovable, smart enough, beautiful enough, capable or funny enough, or for that matter enough of anything. You may get an onslaught of well-armored attacks on you, but do not let that faze you.  Own only the mistakes you make. Do not personalize someone else’s inability to take responsibility for their own actions.  That will only cause you more anguish and suffering.  Allow them to sit in their contempt as you break the bondage of their emotional control over you.  That’s the best thing you can do for yourself. 

My suggestion is for you to write down that which holds you back.

  1. What do the challenges that get in your way look like?  Use facts!
  2. Next to the emotion you’re challenging, write what that’s costing you.
  3. Then write the emotion you want to replace the harmful ones. 
  4. Find ways to refocus your mind on the positive in your life. 

Thoughts drive feelings, feelings become actions and actions define our character.  Just write one or two to get started, and pretty soon the fog will clear and you will begin to feel how precious you are to those who love you, and how precious you are to you.  It is extremely challenging to alter your perspective simply by forcing your mind to focus on the good, but it can be done. This holiday season I wish that for you.  That and all the blessings that were always intended for you before you were born. May this give you some healing. 

amwriting, books, Clubs, fiction, Human Interest, Inspiration, Novels, Opinion, Reflection, Revelations

Why Does Family Hurt So Much?

In a time when holidays are coming up, I have to ask myself, “why do I try so hard to keep the peace?” ¬†Falling on the cross has become a necessary component of keeping those family members who judge unjustly at bay. ¬†For me, I have been told I am “weird, emotional, unable to respect, worthless,” and often an “outsider” until became an adult and left the wholeness of my family behind me.

My family is predominately brunette, with dark eyes, and darker olive colored skin. They tan easily, they have thick manes of black or brownish hair and they all have hourglass figures. Smaller breasted, and big on the bottom. The majority of them are short, stocky built, with almost French looking features. ¬†I on the other hand am tall, statuesque with lanky arms and long legs. I am thin, sometimes pencil thin, no hips, and blonde hair. So, for me, I look different. ¬†I became the “white sheep” of my family.

Those wounds never truly healed for several years, not until a seminar in 1998 cracked the bonds that tied me to the baggage of disappointing rejections I received. ¬†It was in that seminar when I began to put the pieces of my life and the tragic understanding of violent events unfolded before my eyes in a memory that I could only experience as a child, having all but forgotten most of the memories. See, when you’re an adult and you’re reminded of painful memories, you don’t recall them with an adult intellectual brain, they bubble up with all the emotions of the age you were when it happened. ¬†Yeah, to say it was a painful process is an understatement.

I don’t bring these things up to cause you to think for one minute I am a victim nor that I am triumphant in my ability to raise out of that. I tell you these things because later – much later in my life I understood why God brought me through the immeasurable pain that others inflicted so that he could believe the promises of my desires. ¬†Yes, that happened too. ¬†I also bring them up because I have something to say about the emotional brain that we get into because of our families lies about us. You see, the deceiver uses these wicked hurts to keep us in the bondage of our faithlessness. ¬†As long as we’re focused on the pain it’s hard to get to thankfulness for the blessings we do have. ¬†That’s not from God nor is that what he wants of us.

The other day one of my family members said I live in a fairyland. ¬†They wondered if I am a liar, that what I went through wasn’t real. That it didn’t happen. ¬†Certainly not the way I said it did. ¬†I used to personalize and question myself when I heard these lies. I no longer do. ¬†Maybe the reason I do not personalize their truth as my own is the very reason I never told them in the first place? I didn’t want to suffer through more humiliation than the crime that had already been assaulted on me.

If you’re struggling with pain, hurt, processing through the grief of disappointing acts that are keeping you in the burden of your transgressors please I beg you to forgive them. ¬†Take your power back. Do not let the burden of their rejection put you in a place of no value, of unwittingly giving up your power or your voice. ¬†You can be around them once again as soon as you give no power to the words they say. ¬†Don’t defend yourself or your actions, knowing that only YOU are the one who can make you feel in any manner. No one can force you to feel anything without your permission.

God sees all of us as treasured children of the Kingdom of the Most High God. ¬†Today instead of listening to the dialog you tell yourself, “I am not good enough, She makes more money than me, they’re doing better than I am, they’re not treating me right”–realize you are worth more than rubies and gold. God desires for you to be thankful, to change your perspective to see His blessings. He wants to give all that has ever been promised to you, but it takes you to lay down the burden the deceiver has placed upon your heart. ¬†Ask the Holy Spirit to come into your life and refresh your soul, to make you new again, to seek those like minded who can fill that soul so much that it embraces all the good in store for you.

Take care,

Rebecca Nietert

amwriting, Inspiration, Uncategorized

Forgiving Ones Self is Harder!

When you have an extensive network, and you know a lot of people, you feel blessed when you can say you have more than five intimate friends. All my life, people have moved me from one house to another, from one city to another, and from one state to another. Networking became second nature.

Last night I learned that a man I’ve known for seven years passed away suddenly. He was a heavy drinker when I knew him, but that increased over time and the profound sadness of losing both his parents ended with the crescendo of Sorosis of the liver and failure of his kidneys. What could have been completely avoidable, ended by taking his life.

The minute I heard, thoughts of how I could’ve reached out flooded my soul. The guilt of not keeping in touch, not cultivating, not even picking up the phone to see if he was okay, because he was such a alpha male, that it never occurred to me he wouldn’t be okay?!

Which brings me to the topic of this discussion. It’s so much easier to forgive others when they offend us, then it is to forgive ourselves for our transgressions. How do you forgive yourself when you know there is something you could have done and yet did nothing? What are the steps that you take to forgive yourself?

Guilt is poison! You can’t hold onto it! It cannot be resolved! It is the toxic chemical that poisons your soul and your mind. Living with guilt is harder than living with pain or sadness because it is all consuming. Releasing that guilt is what is necessary, but when you have the understanding the fault lies with in your actions, how do you get to resolution?

Thoughts?!

Inspiration

Courage vs Bravery

In writing my character of the latest book, “Provocative Confessions,” I realized that I was trying really hard to explain why my heroine’s confidence was so badly shaken. ¬†She has to learn that she’s always had the courage to live the life she wants. Something that oddly my readers have remarked, “she keeps doing over and over.”

One of the things that is apparent to me, is that change of ourselves is the hardest thing to do. ¬†We hold these lies to be our truth, and those lies come from the people who have promised to adore us, but hurt us the most. ¬†It’s no wonder the fear takes root and sometimes getting to the courage is harder than it may seem. Further most of us don’t really show our vulnerability and so we fight that battle alone. ¬†The sense of unsureness, or that ever looming self doubt that sometimes stops us from having what we want the most. ¬†In fact it seems that the very thing we fear, is exactly what we cause to happen.

A friend of mine, declares. ¬†She has a wicked sense of justice and a strong understanding of biblical principals. I’ve learned that it is her opinion that people declare what they want in their lives, and in doing so get what they spend the most energy on. ¬†Thoughts become our actions, our actions become our character, and so on. ¬†Thank you CK, your steadfast maturity has really brought me to greater understanding, and I am profoundly grateful, you don’t hold me in contempt for my humanness. Your non-judgmental approach is epically refreshing.

In truth the word, “Brave,” shows up in the Old Testament of the NIV, 19 times. ¬†It only shows up a few more times in other translations. ¬†In the context of battling or fights of some sort you can see the word, “Brave,” only in the NIV and NOT in the New Testaments of the NIV, ESV, NRSV or the NASB. ¬†Why do you suppose that is?

Websters Dictionary says that “Brave” means “adjective, brav¬∑er, brav¬∑est. 1.¬†possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance. 2.¬†making a fine appearance. 3.¬†Archaic. excellent; fine; admirable.” ¬†While I believe that is true, I think that to me Bravery is an action without thought, based solely on instinct and action. ¬†It’s in the moment action, not well thought out or even bias. ¬†It’s pure adrenaline induced.

My character is not brave. She’s thoughtful, and she’s complicated. She has a lot fears because she’s been hurt a LOT. ¬†She’s been moved from the only place she felt she truly belonged into a world she thought she’d left behind. The north and the cold and the contemptuous people who live in it. ¬†When she found herself back the midst of the friends who promise loyalty but deliver only betrayal, well, it’s more than shaken her confidence in her natural instincts. It brought her back to an brokenness she thought she’d left far behind. ¬†She must learn that the courage is in her, she just has to choose it over the fear to perceive her life in the way she needs to find ultimate joy. ¬†Only then can she live the life she wants on her own terms.

The dictionary says the word, “Courage,” is ¬†a noun: “1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery. 2.¬†Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion.” ¬†Yes, it’s a noun verses an actionable reaction. ¬†To me, that means that the 35 verses of courage that I know of in the bible (all of them) mean that overcoming fear is what we need to do. ¬†Yes, “Bravery” to act on that choice is the last action, but courageousness comes from making a conscious choice to overcome that which as spent a long time torturing your mind and robbing you of your joy.

When I write my characters, I am constantly and acutely aware that each of us has all the good we could possibly see in each other. ¬†I am also equally aware that just as we see what each other want us to see, something deep inside is lurking. ¬†Some lie we’ve told ourselves. Some comparison we’ve just made. ¬†Some shortcoming that we’ve indulged in. We all do it. ¬†We all have that in us, even those who boast they do not, trust me they do.

Today as I close the chapter in this book and thereby get to the ending, hopefully helping my readers understand that the perfect season doesn’t last forever. ¬†Life takes it’s ugly hand and events happen beyond or understanding or control. ¬†I hope that in this new book, you can see the growth of Beverly through her self doubt, and fall in love with her again as the courage bubbles up. ¬†She gets justified results from the women who have treated her in the worst of ways, and ultimately she falls back in the arms of her husband who miraculously ends up saving the day. Of course, we all have to believe in fairytales, miracles, and happily ever after… Well, at least I do!

Take care,

Reba Nietert

Human Interest, Inspiration, Opinion, Reflection, Revelations, The Children

Even Tweens Need a Little Hug

Did you ever have a moment when you want to sit down and ponder what just happened? How did my teenage or pre-teen daughter get so mean? I know she has real kindness in there? I’ve seen it with me. I felt the hugs. I know the love exists and yet somehow when this beautiful little girl turned thirteen, hormones changed my angel?

You’re not alone. ¬†There’s numerous articles about this very topic! ¬†Sometimes the impulsivity is just too much for their little minds and bodies to control. One thing I do is remind myself that if they were functioning adults and capable of determining what they should or shouldn’t do at any given moment I wouldn’t have to parent them. ¬†Kids will of course be kids, and that’s okay.

Dr. Dobson says that kids have the right to test us, and we have the right not to allow them to get away with doing it inappropriately. ¬†So when my little tester says things such as, “I hate you!” I simply look at her adoringly and remind her that no matter what she says or does my love is all enduring and will continue without condition. ¬†Then of course I redirect more respectful communication because there is a line.

What I want to encourage is that line is movable. ¬†Find out what battle has to be won and go with that. Everything else chalk up to the guilt she’ll feel once she has her own child and realizes how she’s treated you. Just know that’s coming. Honestly, it will. ¬†So for now just hold steadfast in knowing that she doesn’t need you to be a friend no matter how interesting she’s becoming. She needs a strong and strict mom to set rules, determine justice and to keep the building of character/character/character. ¬†That’s all you can do and the rest will work it’s way out.

Most of all, BREATHE! ¬†Find other moms who are in the same boat and lean on them. ¬†Have ¬†your 10 minute rants and be done with it. ¬†Finalize that to resolution and get back at it. They’re your precious babies even if they’ve grown into sarcastic and outspoken disrespectful tyrants from time to time. It’s their job to break the status quo. ¬†It’s your job to reel them back in. ¬†Also remember to HUG even if they don’t want it. Mom, they NEED it. So don’t feel the push back, just do it.

Have a cocktail with me tonight and as I clink the ever present imaginary wine glass (mine is stemless) I lift and salute a great mom who’s doing the best she can! ¬†May every day make you feel as included and loved as possible, and may your children some day call you blessed. ¬†Amen.

Human Interest, Inspiration, Reflection, Revelations, The Children

Epically Unfun

Very much like the title says, I have been told I am “epically unfun” by my three teens. When I remind them that the ONLY time I get cross with them is 1. When they do not do what they’re asked, 2. When they lie and tell me they did what was asked, 3. Go out of their way to complain or whine about what they have to do, and finally 4. Throw an attitude and make what’s asked of them torture for those around. ¬†I explain that if they were pleasant with the knowledge that they have been given so much despite what they’ve lost; they should learn at their age that reciprocation is part of the deal.

What surprises me at every turn is how fundamentally wrong I am with the expectations. I expect kids to be decent little happy beings? ¬†My bad! ¬†Kids are great when you’re doting on them, giving them things, telling them how much you love them, but speak of disappointment and they turn into the little devils they are with all the eye rolling of a teenage queen and the lip speak of satan himself.

The thing is that in my head I think, “Well, they will understand if I just explain it to them.” You know what that brings? More opportunity for them to use my words against me, to manipulate an outcome they would rather have, and ultimately I still end up being the bad guy. I wonder, is it this hard for all parents?

Some people will “hate” on the truth that kids are not always the angelic creatures that they show on TV. ¬†Kids are sometimes filled with contempt for their parents. ¬†Kids who have lost parents like mine have conjure even more sympathy than normal. ¬†If you set them in line parents want to tell you, “Well, they’ve lost their parents.” As though you don’t already know. ¬†Rules have to be followed, restrictions and boundaries are part of life and ultimately building character isn’t easy. ¬†Let’s face it we all wish we could have ice cream parties and cake. ¬†At some point the daily list of homework, chores, and simply being respectful is going to come up.

I have to remind myself that I have been here before. I’ve raised two amazing adult children. ¬†Both independent and capable of achieving great success. ¬†They’re fine, despite I always felt like I was flying by the seat of my pants. ¬†These kids will be too. Not because I’m a great drill sergeant, but because I love them. ¬†My boundaries are to tell them they have restrictions they shouldn’t cross in life. ¬†My rules are to teach them independence. My firmness comes from the fact that I know that unless they are successful in being in a harsh world when they’re of age, they won’t be happy. ¬†It’s in love that I commit to teaching them there is a way to accomplish goals, and then there is just being lazy. You cannot do both.

Sadly, I still sit and wonder how I can say something and it be turned into something completely different from it’s intent. I sigh, heavily sometimes. I wonder if anything I do will enhance any part of who they are to become. ¬†I wonder if they love me in some small way or if they even know the harshness of the circumstances we find ourselves in. ¬†What do they really think? How do they feel?

I have to do what I think is best and hope that flying by the seat of my very wildly inappropriate pants won’t cause harm or foul to these precious souls I love with every fiber of my being. I pray that if I can sometimes get myself out of the way, they might actually learn the lessons they need to, and hopefully one day find happiness of their own. That’s what I think about all the time.

Inspiration

Many Thanks! ūüôŹ

As time moves… I gauge my success on several factors. Whether not the kids laugh more than they cry, whether or not their grades have improved, whether or not their confidence in themselves has taken a turn for the better or even how much consistency they have in their lives.

It’s with great pride that I can say all these things are true. This past year has been a long enduring and sometimes emotionally painful road. I cannot tell you how the support you have shown the Mullen kids means to all of us.

It‚Äôs with a heavy heart that I pulled them from the support system that has held them up through these past years. I want you to know that I do so with reverence, respect, and a motivation to help each one of these children move on with their lives. I hope and pray all of you encourage their efforts moving forward and lift us in prayer as we approach this new journey.  One of the primary things that the girls will miss is the tenderness that came from people who knew their back story, and as they courageously engage in a new system that does not know who they are or what they’ve been through, I urge you to continue to reach out to keep our kids connected.

May God help you understand we‚Äôre in need of your fellowship and friendship too as we move merely 5 miles from you in Murphy, Texas. It would be awesome if you stayed in touch! Love ‚̧ԳŹ you and yours! Many thanks!

Inspiration, Reflection

Time to Serve Only You

One of the hardest things for me to do is to ask for something for myself because after I ask, I feel selfish. ¬†In the era I grew up, women were taught to be “quiet about” the things that they could do better than a man. We were put in our places, told that we had a place along side a man, but certainly never in front of one. ¬†Biblically we were taught that a woman’s place is in supporting her husband. The community of men aspired to get that message out to every single woman. ¬†So, when it came time for me to want a little alone time (something every human on the planet SHOULD have) I felt selfish.

Today, I sit here knowing that after 3 harsh months of school, activities, behavior modification for the kids, husband schedules, date nights, friends, family, and my adult children I feel horrible that this is the first day I got to sleep in. What’s going through my mind? The numerous things I SHOULD be doing not the numerous things I COULD be doing. Instead of taking the day off for me, or carving out some much needed writing time, in my head is a laundry list of items that still need checked off. ¬†“Ortho appointment for the eldest.” Check. ¬†“Dry cleaning for my husband.” Check. “Pick up kids at three separate times.” Check. “Plan dinner so husband isn’t mad.” Check. “Take dog for grooming.” Check… and the list goes on and on. So much so that I honestly do not have two consecutive hours of my own. ¬†There’s no time between travel and duty.

Nights offer no downtime because the kids are old enough to go to be at 10 o’ clock. ¬†So after dinner, homework, activities and being available to “look at” my husband as I listen while he talks, there is no room to escape for some me time. ¬†Life becomes all about pleasing someone else, and the more you do, the more they have no concept of the lengths that you go to make them feel included, happy, fulfilled; until you’re brain is completely fried and you’re an empty shell. ¬†It’s a mother’s life and we have all felt those moments from time to time. ¬†Serving other’s is a powerful gift, but when is it time to serve yourself?

My advice, is to do it. It’s that simple. Put off the chores and take a day off. ¬†Go do whatever it is that fills your cup. ¬†Whatever brings you a blissful moment. ¬†If you have to ask in advance, stop beating yourself up. Your husband clocks out. Your kids some home. Your friends can wait. ¬†You never clock out. You keep going like that annoying pink Energizer rabbit. ¬†It’s time to replenish the batteries and NOT feel guilty for it.

Psychology today says, “Being alone allows you to drop your ‚Äúsocial guard‚ÄĚ, thus giving you the freedom to be introspective, to think for yourself. You may be able to make better choices and decisions about who you are and what you want without outside influence. Often, we are swayed by the thoughts, feelings, attitudes, beliefs, and behavior of those in our immediate sphere. Of course, you may ask others for their advice and opinions but ultimately, consulting yourself and making up your own mind about what you want to do will lead you into the life that‚Äôs best for you.”

Don’t wait. Make today great. Make it about you. ¬†It’s normal and it’s so very necessary. For me? I am going to Louisiana to see my adult kids for one weekend. I’m leaving behind the people who need me the most so that I can gain a newer perspective about where I should lead them, about how much patience I should have and maybe gain some joy along my journey. ¬†Just a moment of peace. ¬†That’s all I ask. For me.