Category: Journal Entry

Journal Entry

Why Forced Accountability in Relationships Doesn’t Work: A Clinical Perspective

Reba Nietert

In healthy relationships, genuine accountability is essential for trust and long-term satisfaction. However, when responsibility is demanded or coerced, the results are often superficial and unsustainable. Research in clinical psychology and relationship science supports the idea that authentic change and remorse must come from within—not from external pressure.

The Pitfalls of Forced Responsibility

When one partner tries to force the other to take responsibility for their actions, it may lead to temporary compliance, but rarely to meaningful change. Studies show that externally motivated apologies or admissions of guilt are often shallow and lack the emotional engagement needed for true growth (Baumeister et al., 1994). In fact, coerced accountability can increase resentment and defensiveness, ultimately harming the relationship further (Finkel et al., 2002).

Authentic Accountability and Empathy

True accountability arises when an individual recognizes the impact of their actions and feels genuine empathy for their partner’s experience. According to Dr. Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist and author, “A heartfelt apology is one that doesn’t require prompting, demands, or reminders. It comes from the recognition of the hurt caused and a desire to repair the relationship” (Lerner, 2017).

When someone truly values the relationship, they are internally motivated to make amends. This kind of self-driven accountability is associated with greater relational satisfaction, trust, and long-term stability (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

The Burden of Carrying Guilt for Others

It is not your responsibility to carry the emotional weight of another person’s guilt or to repeatedly prompt them to acknowledge their mistakes. Research indicates that when one partner assumes the role of “reminder” or “enforcer,” it can lead to emotional exhaustion and diminish self-esteem (Fincham & Beach, 2007).

Why Sincere Change Must Be Voluntary

For apologies and behavioral change to have real value, they must be voluntary. Forced or scripted apologies often lack sincerity and do not lead to lasting behavioral improvement (Baumeister et al., 1994). Genuine change requires self-reflection, empathy, and a willingness to repair the harm caused.

What You Deserve in a Relationship

You deserve a partner who takes responsibility because they care—not because you demanded it. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, honesty, and voluntary accountability. If someone is unwilling or unable to take ownership of their actions on their own, it may be a sign that they are not ready for the kind of partnership you need and deserve.

Let Actions Speak

Ultimately, allow your partner to show who they truly are. If responsibility isn’t something they choose voluntarily, then their words and actions will likely remain surface-level. As Dr. John Gottman notes, “The willingness to repair and take responsibility is what separates the masters from the disasters of relationships” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

References:

– Baumeister, R. F., Stillwell, A. M., & Wotman, S. R. (1994). Why would you do that? A psychological analysis of interpersonal forgiveness. *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76*(3), 482-498.

– Finkel, E. J., Rusbult, C. E., Kumashiro, M., & Hannon, P. A. (2002). Dealing with betrayal in close relationships: Does commitment promote forgiveness? *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82*(6), 956-974.

– Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). *The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work*. Crown.

– Lerner, H. (2017). *Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts*. Touchstone.

– Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. H. (2007). Forgiveness and marital quality: Precursor or consequence in well-established relationships? *Journal of Positive Psychology, 2*(4), 260-268.

Journal Entry

Chaos, Coffee, and Canines: A Morning on the Road

Reba Nietert

Traveling with dogs should come with a disclaimer: “Warning—may cause extreme chaos, laughter, and moments of pure panic.” Take this morning, for example. Picture it: 5:15 AM, a pitch-black hotel room, and two high-octane pups staring at me like I’m their personal sunrise. Thanks, time zone switch—you really know how to keep a girl on her toes.

I’d barely opened my eyes before both dogs were vibrating with excitement, ready to launch into their own version of the Indy 500 around our 500-square-foot hotel room. I’m tiptoeing around, trying to keep things quiet, but every paw thump and tail wag echoes like we’re rehearsing for Stomp. The suspense? Will we wake up the entire floor before sunrise? Odds are not in my favor.

Once I’m wrangled into my clothes, it’s time for the next challenge: the great outdoors. Except, plot twist, it’s been raining so hard I’m half-expecting to see a pair of giraffes lining up outside. The parking lot has become a small lake, and I’m wading through puddles like a contestant on a reality show—Survivor: Hotel Edition—just to reach the grass.

The dogs, of course, are living their best lives, zooming across the soggy grass with reckless abandon. I’m just trying to keep them from breaking the sound barrier or the property line. Photos are snapped, business is done, and I’m thinking, “Surely, the worst is over.” (Spoiler: it’s not.)

Time to head back in. Remi, my youngest, launches at the door like he’s auditioning for America’s Got Talent. Dakota, the elder stateswoman, tries to beat me inside—only to get her toe caught under the door. Suddenly, the scene turns into a canine opera: Dakota screeching, leashes flying, and me—somewhere between tears and laughter—trying to keep both dogs from reenacting a prison break.

At one point, Remi is locked inside, Dakota’s outside wailing, and I’m juggling leashes, guilt, and the creeping suspicion that I’m about to be evicted. I manage to calm Dakota, get everyone back inside, and—miraculously—no lasting damage. Remi, ever the good boy, is still tethered and waiting patiently. The dogs are loaded into the car, and I finally get a moment to chase down the holy grail: coffee. All this before my first cup. Send help.

Meanwhile, my phone is buzzing with texts from my husband and daughter, worried about my eye issue (which, by the way, is still a thing). I’m grateful for the love, but how do you even begin to explain this dog-fueled circus before breakfast?

And, of course, I still haven’t finished the contract I promised to send last night. I was so exhausted when we checked in at 11 PM that I collapsed face-first onto the bed. Now, I’m staring down a four hour drive to the airport to pick up the hubby and then another two-hour drive, running on empty, praying I can hotspot my laptop and work while my husband drives us home. 

But hey—dogs are fine, I survived, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get that coffee before the next episode of “Traveling with Dogs: Chaos Unleashed.” 

It’s not even 8 o’clock a.m. yet!

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Have you ever had a travel morning like this? Share your funniest (or most suspenseful) pet travel stories below—bonus points if they involve coffee deprivation!

Journal Entry

Rooted and Restless: On the Search for Connection, Intimacy, and a Voice of My Own

Reba Nietert

For thirty-one years, I have loved someone with an extraordinary depth—a love that has followed him across cities, states, and seasons of life. Each move was a leap of hope, a quiet wish that the next skyline or familiar street might finally fill that elusive gap, bring that missing happiness, or rekindle a spark from the past.

I’ve been happy to do it, truly. The anticipation of new beginnings, the challenge of building a home from boxes and blank walls, the adventure of discovering new parks, coffee shops, and neighbors. But as I sit here, at the edge of yet another “this isn’t quite it” moment, I feel a swirl of emotions: loyalty, fatigue, love, and—if I’m honest—a longing for something more rooted.

We learn the lessons of our lives through others, and our children are no exception. Watching them navigate their own relationships, sometimes stumbling over the same stones we did, I see the faint echo of our own missteps. It’s a sobering realization: we pass along our strengths, but also our brokenness, often without meaning to.

And so here I am, at 62, finally feeling the contentment of roots I’ve worked so hard to cultivate. I crave connection—real, authentic friendships, a sense of belonging, the kind of intimacy that comes from being truly known and seen. I wish I could say I didn’t need it, but I do. I want to live spherically, to have a voice in my own destiny, to be part of a community that doesn’t vanish with every change of address.

I love the outdoors, the beauty of trees and architecture, the pulse of a new city. But why, after all these years, can’t I just visit and return to the life I’ve built, instead of uprooting it again and again? Why must happiness always be somewhere else, just out of reach?

At this age, I’m finally questioning: Will one more move finally deliver the joy that’s been so elusive? Or is it time to claim my own happiness, right here, among the roots I’ve planted and the connections I long to deepen?

I don’t have all the answers. But I do know this: I want a life that’s not just about chasing, but about being—present, connected, and heard. I want to belong, not just to a place, but to myself.

Human Interest, Inspiration, Journal Entry, Opinion, Reflection

Witness to the Brooding Storm Within – But Remember Our Worth

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2022 – Rebecca Nietert

I will never comprehend the actions of someone who chooses to take offense without engaging in constructive discussion. Instead, they resort to screaming, blocking, and shutting out any opposing viewpoints. It reminds me of a child throwing a tantrum. In a healthy relationship, conflicts should be resolved with love and understanding. However, when one party refuses to reciprocate that love and understanding, the relationship becomes selfish, one-sided, and ultimately doomed. Some temper tantrums leave irreparable damage. It’s truly disheartening, but sadly, it is the reality we sometimes face.

Recently, I experienced this kind of behavior firsthand. The person in question simply stated, “I spoke my mind,” believing that was the end of it. It did not matter how their words were delivered, the emotions they stirred, or the hurtful things they said in anger. In their mind, they had the right to express their thoughts without being held accountable for their actions. They expected the recipient of their anger to passively agree with everything they believed, and any form of contradiction was unacceptable. When I attempted to explain that their personalization of issues in my life was misguided, the response was immediate – I was blocked and mocked.

It is with a heavy heart that I recount this story. It serves as a reminder of the challenges we face when trying to navigate human relationships. The inability to engage in meaningful dialogue, to empathize with others, and to understand that communication is a two-way street can have devastating consequences. It is my hope that we can all strive to approach conflicts with love and openness, ready to listen and learn from one another. In doing so, we may find the path towards healing and genuine connection.

It’s disheartening to witness how some individuals, despite their professional façade or seemingly loving demeanor, can harbor a brooding storm within. For those of us blessed with the inability to desert, it can be a heavy burden to bear.

Yet, in these moments, it’s crucial to remind ourselves of our own worth. We must remember that our friendships hold value, even when surrounded by individuals whose true nature remains hidden. It’s important to affirm ourselves and refuse to internalize the hateful words that may come our way. We must hold steadfast to our path, always striving to do what is right, regardless of how others may behave.

This is what defines a person of character, especially in times like these. And if the storm persists, if the toxicity becomes unbearable, it is okay to take action. It is okay to light the match and set the bridge ablaze, severing ties that no longer serve our emotional well-being.

Remember, dear reader, you are not alone in your experiences. The world is filled with souls struggling with similar challenges. But it is in recognizing our own worth, staying true to our values, and being unafraid to let go of those who bring us down, that we can find solace.

So, as you traverse the untamed waters of life, hold onto your character. Embrace the sadness that may come, but let it fuel your determination to remain true to yourself. And know that as you set those bridges aflame, you make space for new connections that will bring you warmth, joy, and a sense of peace.

You deserve it.

Journal Entry

Ode to ZUES! – a Cat or a Lion?

Reba Nietert

Copyright 2019 – Rebecca Nietert

Let me share a heartwarming story about my husband’s thoughtful gesture that has made my outdoor experience truly amazing. Recently, he surprised me by installing a beautiful gazebo right outside my back door, just beside the pool. It was designed specifically to accommodate my cherished outdoor wicker furniture, providing a cozy and protected space for me to relax.

Now, living in a foliage-rich backyard comes with its challenges. We had been struggling with the constant debris that the wind would bring and how it would affect my furniture. Every time I wanted to enjoy my outdoor oasis, I found myself constantly cleaning before I could even sit down. But my loving husband had a solution in mind – a portable gazebo that came at a bit of a price, but oh, so worth it.

Not only does this fantastic addition offer me a shaded respite from the blazing Texas sun, but it also serves another purpose. As an avid writer, I love to take my work outdoors. With this gazebo, I can now comfortably see my laptop screen, effectively merging my passion for writing and my love for nature.

Now, let me introduce you to someone special – my inquisitive feline friend. He has developed a keen sense for new additions in our home or backyard, promptly investigating each one with utmost curiosity. This morning, as he stepd outside to inspect the gazebo, I observed him with great interest. His back arched gracefully, his ears perked up, and his eyes widened in amazement. Clearly, he couldn’t resist exploring this exciting new addition.

This story is a testament to the joy and delight that can come from a simple act of kindness. My husband’s thoughtful gift has not only brought convenience and comfort to my outdoor haven but has also given our furry friend something new to discover and enjoy.

In the end, it’s moments like these that remind us of the simple pleasures in life. They remind us to find magic in unexpected places and appreciate the thoughtfulness of our loved ones. As I continue to cherish my tidy home and the unique quirks of my beloved cat, I’m grateful for the incredible experiences and memories that unfold right in my backyard.

So, dear friends, let this heartwarming tale be a reminder to embrace the small wonders life has to offer and to cherish the loving gestures that make each day a little more special.

NOTE: my cat passed away in 2023. The vet said that he was poisoned, and it shut down his kidneys. He got jaundice, anorexia, and died.