Human Interest

13-Year-Old’s Story of Survival

In April 2016 our home grew larger with the addition of a 13-year-old teen, an 11-year-old tween girl and a 10-year-old little female angel. I had no idea what to expect except that I knew they would all be broken in different ways. They lost their parents due to cancer.

The first year, I learned a few things. 1. As the caregiver, guardian, chief raising officer; I was not allowed to complain about any part of the process without offending a majority of onlookers who believed I should be emotionally controlled over the whole terrifying experience. 2. The kids although tragically sad the first year would eventually be ok. 3. Once I took over their whole support group through the deaths vanished. Maybe they thought I was capable and that my strength ensured they could get on with their own lives. I am grateful for them don’t get me wrong, but the kids suffered more loss.

2017 was the “Year of the Firsts.” The first time they had birthdays without their parents. The first Mothers or Fathers Day. Dates were a huge deal. The tears that flowed that year could have filled rivers both by them and by me. I couldn’t stand to see them in so much pain!

The middle child was the hardest to connect with even though us two were the closest before I became the authority. Once that happened the pain inside her pushed back. The struggle between the both of us was epically out of control in no time.

I jumped into action and aligned support I respected and through DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) one day at a time we took this broken little girl and turned her into a secure happy and productively respectful child who submits to authority yet has her own sense of individuality.

Which is the reason for my blog post. I’ve decided to write my memoir up until the day I received custody of the children. I’ve purposely left the after for them because it’s their story to tell. A a writing coach I have tried to encourage them to write about their journey.

With that in mind, I want to announce the now 13-year-old will be starting a podcast to introduce her story and how she can through the pain. Check back often as we figure out how to do this, I will post the links to her story soon! I hope you tune in.

Take care, Rebecca

Inspiration

Resonating Example of Anger

This past weekend I witnessed two angry people hashing out their differences in public. Normally I just let what other people say to wash off me, but their anger resonated with me. I wonder often, why people are so angry, and then I realized, “why do I care?” I noticed I’m way too invested in what someone else is doing, rather than focusing on the moments around me that could offer joy. Here’s what she said to him: (I’m paraphrasing because as she and he slaughtered each other I took short notes. Yes, without permission so please don’t judge me. She’s younger. He’s older than her but not by much.)

In a tempered but serious tone, she said, “You’re absolutely miserable! You sit on your throne of a recliner quarterbacking everyone else’s life except for your own. You wake up every single day and cannot wait to get to your *insert explicative* iPad. You’re so focused on politics and what you fear an entire generation is going to do without your ranting and raving. You spend every waking minute disparaging another person, determining the faults and the mistakes they make; pointing them out, and stepping on them to elevate yourself! Then you tell them they don’t have a right to live their own life because they don’t agree with you. You are a miserable son of a bitch who is so lost and so alone and so afraid that you can’t even see your prejudices! You’re so worried about what somebody else is doing! You don’t even know who they are. You don’t know what they’ve been through. You don’t know their backstory. You don’t know what brought them to their beliefs! But you’re so damn quick to judge them and that judgment is making you an absolutely miserable person.”

He looked pissed off! Without responsibility, he said, “I have a right to my opinion. People have to know! It is my job to tell them why they’re wrong. Without people like me, this country is in serious trouble because the Liberals are going to bring it down because they don’t understand what they’re doing. If I don’t say something that I’m just as guilty as everybody else who is apathetic.”

She gasped and then she slapped her forehead. “Do you even hear yourself. What are you doing? Are you running for office? Are you paying for ad campaigns? Are you backing up a particular candidate? No! The only thing you do is post hate and discontent on social media. As though it is everybody else’s job to understand what you have been through, lift you up and agree with you; and make you feel like what you believe is 100% more valuable than what they believe. The only thing you’re doing is spreading more hate and more judgment and creating more division. You’re an argument begging to happen! You live to tell someone how wrong they are and how superior you are, as though your dictatorship of thoughts should be the only opinion considered!? Is that American? Is that equal? Compassionate? No!”

I cocked my head and nodded because people have said this about me. I had to take a step back and admit at times I’ve had nothing but FB in my life and in those times focused on the latter of what it offered and not the positive. As I writer I observe all the time. I continued to write as he rebutted.

Wounded now he stated, “You talk about me being hateful. What about you right now. You have hate in your heart for me.”

She sighed heavily and replied, “You just don’t get it. Please tell me the difference between your ideals and terrorist ideals? Aren’t they both born in anger? You judge me because I hold you to the same accountability you hold others. You judge me because even though I’ve lived a life of tragedy with lots of pain and loss I clearly don’t feel the sorrow as deeply as you and therefore my pain is dismissed. You judge me because you say that I shouldn’t have an opinion, because I don’t understand the things that you do, yet you show me no compassion! Damn if you don’t expect me to respect you in return. You judge me because I am young, and I am trying to forge my way in the world I don’t understand, yet you begrudge those who told you that you did not have the right to forge your path. You are a walking contradiction afraid to look at yourself. So lonely. It is always somebody else’s fault for the way you feel and never your own.”

Then even angrier she shouted, “No one is going to rescue you from the choices you make! No one is going to come to your house and force you to get out of that recliner. No one is going to force you to live your best life. No one is going to come up to you and apologize to you for what you’ve been through, because everybody else goes through their own shit. It is not our responsibility to make you feel worthy or smart or force you to focus on your own happiness, that’s your job! All the spouting off, all the anger, all the judgment, all the bias and the contempt for others is just murdering your soul. You can’t even see how unattractive it makes you.”

She walked away and I gathered my tablet and things and I do too. Kind of wanted to cry!

Take care,

Rebecca Nietert

amwriting

Overwhelming To-Do! Ack!

What does someone do when they have a to-do list that is so long it paralyzes them? A woman I met the other day stated, “I have so much to do that I take out my list-read it-feel overwhelmed-check Facebook and then it’s over! Nothing gets done!” How many of us do that very same thing?

In my case, quite admittedly, I have to be on social media several times a day. I have two constructed websites that are designed to bring in income. I have ads on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn that need to be analyzed and modified. I have Twitter feeds that I need to increase numbers. I have Linkedin but I need to increase my reach with. I have Facebook profiles and pages and groups that need attention. Somehow I have to manage and the entire platform of supporting social media such as Instagram in such a way that it brands what I do in a unique and approachable way. I have Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc… so being on social media for me it’s just not an option! It’s my business.

I have however from time to time, thought about hiring a social media expert so that I could continue to do my writing, editing, reading, coaching, inspiring, cheerleading, etc. with other authors. Sometimes it just gets to be too much! What’s a girlie to do!?

Here’s what I know. Getting on social media should have a time limit! I have three pages-single-spaces by the way; of things I must get done. However, my reality is that 5 or less of today’s “priority list” will actually get marked off. Yes, I have a 10 point prioritized list that changed daily! Some days hourly!

Give yourself a break! While it’s important to do things it is also equally important to have joy in mundane tasks. Take a moment to stand, get a healthy snack, breathe with your eyes closed, look out a window, get some coffee and “just be” with yourself once in a while. Smell the roses if you will. Anything to help you not feel so overwhelmed!

That’s my advice for the two cents it’s worth. As for me, I’m logging off and going to spend 20 minutes with my 12-year-old so she can show me how to hoverboard. Yep.

Take care, Rebecca Nietert, Publisher, author, speaker, chief cook, and taxi driver and all-around kook!

amwriting, books, Human Interest, Inspiration

Sex at Every Age!?

Yes. That’s the topic. When relationships mature into wise mindful working relationships that constructively work, what happens to the intimacy between two people? In the movie, “Yours Mine and Ours” with Lucille Ball and Henry Ford; his character, Frank Beardsley, explains to this daughter the realities of life. I am going to mess this up, so I will try and say the quote as best as I recall. He said, “Love is easy. It’s the mundane that counts. You show me a man who loves when there’s laundry to do or the dishes need to be done. Anyone who can get through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff, now that’s true love.”

He was correct. Life is truly about the art of either being content or not being content but still being present in the moment enough to enjoy it and not allow whatever chaos seems to be unfolding pisses you off one more time. Yet this fundamental key to genuine authentic behavior seems to elude even the most mature of people.

What happens in the most general of terms is that one or both partners in a relationship begin to take each other for granted. The niceties present in the beginning seems to subside when the duties and stressors of the day become more important to “get done” than the undeniable necessity of feeding the other’s soul. Before long everyone is walking through their life passionateness about love and over-impassioned about things that just don’t matter. Their focus on what should be is directed to what they believe is societal “must be’s.” In the end, they create more anger, angst, jealousy also division because they have sold out to the better job, the better home, the best this or that. The worst thing is that they don’t even know it’s happened to them. No wonder hey cannot focus on how to offer their partner any possibility of intimacy. They’ve all but completely robbed themselves of it.

When the mini-explosions, the constructive criticisms and the monumental disappointments of life resonate as the prominent feeling of the day, how can one stop, and take care of themselves or their partner? By electing to be a little romantic. Romance as a general descriptor is not dead, it’s an action or word with supporting action of professing or doing something for someone else that they need. Whatever you choose to do must be something they would ask for, they would require, and that they would tell you but are electing not to.

So the next time you feel like spouting off that which has offended your great senses, remember that person who you want an intimate relationship with, is watching. Even though you’re not pointing the rage at him or her, they feel the anguish you do which is the antithesis of what you’re trying to achieve. Stop yourself from a constant barrage of what you feel, and give weight to the fact that your partner may need to see your kindness, your loving side, your Justice and especially the side of you they fell in love with.

No matter what happens at any age, things are always better after a mature and loving conversation. Everyone feels better when they feel heard when they feel loved and cared for. Everyone wants to feel like they’re your priority. Once you make that person feel the way you intend, they will return the favor and that intimacy that has been missing will eventually be alive and kicking in your relationship. It just takes motivation and action.

Good luck. Happy Valentines Day!

Rebecca Nietert

Inspiration

Resolution or Goal!?

I always begin the new year with a reflection of what I learned a year prior. With that being said this has been a complete blast yet very emotionally draining year. My beloved “state of mind” home was sold this year, my son moved to Colorado, and I learned that Dallas would be my home for the next several years. Every year I make a picture book for all my children, like a sort of yearbook for them to look back on the good things we did over the past year. So, when they look back on their childhood and the mundane tasks they had to overcome, they realize there were a lot of blessings along the way.

The night before 2019 has pushed 2018 aside, I sit wondering if I should spend the next year focused on creating more happy moments for the children or if I should focus on building my independent small press company? Do I have a right to dream at this point, or should I postpone the season of my personal success so that I can give them more opportunities for their success? I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for 26+ years and I think I’ve paid my dues? So should I set goals and resolutions?

Here’s my mommy/businesswoman advice: we all have these questions. We all have that dialog that tells us we’re not doing enough for our kids, they won’t have a relationship with us if their childhood is not constantly happy, or we’re just not good parents. Give yourself a break! Kids will find our errors if we do everything right! You’re not perfect! Neither am I but after witnessing my grown kids tackle life I’m glad I’m not! In an effort to try to give my children everything I did not have I thought I had forgotten to give them what I did. I was wrong! My kids are happy independent adults making their way. They’re decent and honest. They don’t disparage other humans. They fight for the underdog. They both are faithful believers. How much more success is there?

Relax! Make your goals! Don’t be afraid to put yourself first sometimes because then when you do, that happiness will trickle down to those you love! You will teach your kids how to be a healthy happy adult! Find the right fit and balance for your own life!

Happy New Year! 🎊🎆🎈 May this year be all that you desire and bring reverence and respect from those you cherish!

amwriting, Inspiration

Why do we care so much!?

The other day, I posted some witty banter about a declaration. My statement was designed to make people think about the word “pride.” You see sometimes I am prideful and sometimes I am not. When I get haughty and I believe that I deserve a certain something, that’s when pretty much everything in my life takes a drastic turn from relationships to successful income to you name it. In addition to my efforts in transparency, I wanted to publish the statement so that in the next few days when I am not feeling so humbled, I can peruse through my social media and remember to let go of that which I cannot control.

Sadly, all it did was make people feel I was sad or make people feel I was desperate. Neither of which is true. My post said something like this: “there is peace in knowing that in 100 years whatever I did will not matter.” I wasn’t trying to go dark. I’m certainly not a quitter. I’m certainly not somebody who wouldn’t try to make an impact on society. That’s just did my make up.

I wrote that statement as a testimony of the actualization an understanding that comes from their ability to see I have no control. Therefore, when I tried to over exceed and put wealth as a tagline to my speaking or writing books or promoting other authors or publishing other author books, I am reminded that I can only do what I can do. I may never be The best Publisher, the best writer, the best speaker and somehow that gave me a sense of peace. I stopped trying to do it to be the best and started trying to do things that I love to do. And somehow, releasing that need to make my mark gave me immense peace.

That might cause anxiety for somebody else but for me, as a self-proclaimed control freak, today anyway, I’m a little bit calmer. The impact I have on today is only for the legacy I will leave behind for those I already know. I will have no impact on their children’s children. Somehow, learning to be the best person I can be so that my dialogue with myself is joyful, confident, and ultimately peaceful. After all, isn’t that what all of us want?

Why do you care so much? What’s the worst that can happen? Learning when to speak and what to say is profoundly as important as knowing when to shut up and be quiet 🤐! Lol Learning this fundamental art can be the difference between life long-lasting relationships with the legacy you want to leave versus a life filled with angst and torment from feeling out of control. I write this today as much for anybody who reads it as well as for myself for reference I don’t later date when I will certainly need it!

Take care, Reba

#AmWriting #Publisher #Writeangst #SpreadSomeLove

amwriting, books, fiction, Inspiration, Opinion, Reflection

Encouraging Inspiration…

When children are raised with more criticism than encouragement, discrimination, abuse, neglect, loathing, or condemnation; and then suffer PTSD from violent criminal acts, that child would sooner lash out than treat others with calm grace.  When a toxic parent (I hate that word) uses a long list of arsenal built over time such as lying, judging, abuse, using shame, manipulation, abandonment, humiliation and also criticisms to establish control over you, it’s not okay.  

Christians must understand they are to revere parents. To respect despite how they act, the words they use, or how they lead their lives.  In this difficulty, that many struggle with behavioral challenges they find increasingly difficult to navigate through.  This concept is good in theory from a Proverbs 31 woman or a man raised with Timothy, but become increasingly difficult with a parent who falls extremely short of that kind of maturity.  Nonetheless, it is still called us.   

The negative behaviors that cause emotional damage are designed to control a child’s behavior but deliver merely doubt for their own importance, their worth, that they are deserving of love, of approval, of validation and that they are insignificant.  To be taught that God loves above all rubies and jewels are merely words to these children.  The concept of such love is so foreign that they live their lives in utter confusion. 

It does not matter the depth of love you have for someone, if they remain broken and unwilling to change their brokenness, they will only continue to damage you from the inside out.  No amount of self-reflection nor explanation will fix the brokenness inside you. So to keep the relationship you love intact, you must come to terms with the truth that you may need to understand appropriate boundaries, you must understand that you will be the stronger one and that the pain they cause may bubble up from time to time.  So do not flog yourself over weakness for the choice to love them despite their actions, because that is quite a strength.  Put up an emotional forcefield and allow their comments to bounce off you.  

You may have been led to believe that you’re not lovable, smart enough, beautiful enough, capable or funny enough, or for that matter enough of anything. You may get an onslaught of well-armored attacks on you, but do not let that faze you.  Own only the mistakes you make. Do not personalize someone else’s inability to take responsibility for their own actions.  That will only cause you more anguish and suffering.  Allow them to sit in their contempt as you break the bondage of their emotional control over you.  That’s the best thing you can do for yourself. 

My suggestion is for you to write down that which holds you back.

  1. What do the challenges that get in your way look like?  Use facts!
  2. Next to the emotion you’re challenging, write what that’s costing you.
  3. Then write the emotion you want to replace the harmful ones. 
  4. Find ways to refocus your mind on the positive in your life. 

Thoughts drive feelings, feelings become actions and actions define our character.  Just write one or two to get started, and pretty soon the fog will clear and you will begin to feel how precious you are to those who love you, and how precious you are to you.  It is extremely challenging to alter your perspective simply by forcing your mind to focus on the good, but it can be done. This holiday season I wish that for you.  That and all the blessings that were always intended for you before you were born. May this give you some healing. 

amwriting, books, Clubs, fiction, Human Interest, Inspiration, Novels, Opinion, Reflection, Revelations

Why Does Family Hurt So Much?

In a time when holidays are coming up, I have to ask myself, “why do I try so hard to keep the peace?”  Falling on the cross has become a necessary component of keeping those family members who judge unjustly at bay.  For me, I have been told I am “weird, emotional, unable to respect, worthless,” and often an “outsider” until became an adult and left the wholeness of my family behind me.

My family is predominately brunette, with dark eyes, and darker olive colored skin. They tan easily, they have thick manes of black or brownish hair and they all have hourglass figures. Smaller breasted, and big on the bottom. The majority of them are short, stocky built, with almost French looking features.  I on the other hand am tall, statuesque with lanky arms and long legs. I am thin, sometimes pencil thin, no hips, and blonde hair. So, for me, I look different.  I became the “white sheep” of my family.

Those wounds never truly healed for several years, not until a seminar in 1998 cracked the bonds that tied me to the baggage of disappointing rejections I received.  It was in that seminar when I began to put the pieces of my life and the tragic understanding of violent events unfolded before my eyes in a memory that I could only experience as a child, having all but forgotten most of the memories. See, when you’re an adult and you’re reminded of painful memories, you don’t recall them with an adult intellectual brain, they bubble up with all the emotions of the age you were when it happened.  Yeah, to say it was a painful process is an understatement.

I don’t bring these things up to cause you to think for one minute I am a victim nor that I am triumphant in my ability to raise out of that. I tell you these things because later – much later in my life I understood why God brought me through the immeasurable pain that others inflicted so that he could believe the promises of my desires.  Yes, that happened too.  I also bring them up because I have something to say about the emotional brain that we get into because of our families lies about us. You see, the deceiver uses these wicked hurts to keep us in the bondage of our faithlessness.  As long as we’re focused on the pain it’s hard to get to thankfulness for the blessings we do have.  That’s not from God nor is that what he wants of us.

The other day one of my family members said I live in a fairyland.  They wondered if I am a liar, that what I went through wasn’t real. That it didn’t happen.  Certainly not the way I said it did.  I used to personalize and question myself when I heard these lies. I no longer do.  Maybe the reason I do not personalize their truth as my own is the very reason I never told them in the first place? I didn’t want to suffer through more humiliation than the crime that had already been assaulted on me.

If you’re struggling with pain, hurt, processing through the grief of disappointing acts that are keeping you in the burden of your transgressors please I beg you to forgive them.  Take your power back. Do not let the burden of their rejection put you in a place of no value, of unwittingly giving up your power or your voice.  You can be around them once again as soon as you give no power to the words they say.  Don’t defend yourself or your actions, knowing that only YOU are the one who can make you feel in any manner. No one can force you to feel anything without your permission.

God sees all of us as treasured children of the Kingdom of the Most High God.  Today instead of listening to the dialog you tell yourself, “I am not good enough, She makes more money than me, they’re doing better than I am, they’re not treating me right”–realize you are worth more than rubies and gold. God desires for you to be thankful, to change your perspective to see His blessings. He wants to give all that has ever been promised to you, but it takes you to lay down the burden the deceiver has placed upon your heart.  Ask the Holy Spirit to come into your life and refresh your soul, to make you new again, to seek those like minded who can fill that soul so much that it embraces all the good in store for you.

Take care,

Rebecca Nietert

amwriting, Inspiration, Uncategorized

Forgiving Ones Self is Harder!

When you have an extensive network, and you know a lot of people, you feel blessed when you can say you have more than five intimate friends. All my life, people have moved me from one house to another, from one city to another, and from one state to another. Networking became second nature.

Last night I learned that a man I’ve known for seven years passed away suddenly. He was a heavy drinker when I knew him, but that increased over time and the profound sadness of losing both his parents ended with the crescendo of Sorosis of the liver and failure of his kidneys. What could have been completely avoidable, ended by taking his life.

The minute I heard, thoughts of how I could’ve reached out flooded my soul. The guilt of not keeping in touch, not cultivating, not even picking up the phone to see if he was okay, because he was such a alpha male, that it never occurred to me he wouldn’t be okay?!

Which brings me to the topic of this discussion. It’s so much easier to forgive others when they offend us, then it is to forgive ourselves for our transgressions. How do you forgive yourself when you know there is something you could have done and yet did nothing? What are the steps that you take to forgive yourself?

Guilt is poison! You can’t hold onto it! It cannot be resolved! It is the toxic chemical that poisons your soul and your mind. Living with guilt is harder than living with pain or sadness because it is all consuming. Releasing that guilt is what is necessary, but when you have the understanding the fault lies with in your actions, how do you get to resolution?

Thoughts?!

Inspiration

Courage vs Bravery

In writing my character of the latest book, “Provocative Confessions,” I realized that I was trying really hard to explain why my heroine’s confidence was so badly shaken.  She has to learn that she’s always had the courage to live the life she wants. Something that oddly my readers have remarked, “she keeps doing over and over.”

One of the things that is apparent to me, is that change of ourselves is the hardest thing to do.  We hold these lies to be our truth, and those lies come from the people who have promised to adore us, but hurt us the most.  It’s no wonder the fear takes root and sometimes getting to the courage is harder than it may seem. Further most of us don’t really show our vulnerability and so we fight that battle alone.  The sense of unsureness, or that ever looming self doubt that sometimes stops us from having what we want the most.  In fact it seems that the very thing we fear, is exactly what we cause to happen.

A friend of mine, declares.  She has a wicked sense of justice and a strong understanding of biblical principals. I’ve learned that it is her opinion that people declare what they want in their lives, and in doing so get what they spend the most energy on.  Thoughts become our actions, our actions become our character, and so on.  Thank you CK, your steadfast maturity has really brought me to greater understanding, and I am profoundly grateful, you don’t hold me in contempt for my humanness. Your non-judgmental approach is epically refreshing.

In truth the word, “Brave,” shows up in the Old Testament of the NIV, 19 times.  It only shows up a few more times in other translations.  In the context of battling or fights of some sort you can see the word, “Brave,” only in the NIV and NOT in the New Testaments of the NIV, ESV, NRSV or the NASB.  Why do you suppose that is?

Websters Dictionary says that “Brave” means “adjective, brav·er, brav·est. 1. possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance. 2. making a fine appearance. 3. Archaic. excellent; fine; admirable.”  While I believe that is true, I think that to me Bravery is an action without thought, based solely on instinct and action.  It’s in the moment action, not well thought out or even bias.  It’s pure adrenaline induced.

My character is not brave. She’s thoughtful, and she’s complicated. She has a lot fears because she’s been hurt a LOT.  She’s been moved from the only place she felt she truly belonged into a world she thought she’d left behind. The north and the cold and the contemptuous people who live in it.  When she found herself back the midst of the friends who promise loyalty but deliver only betrayal, well, it’s more than shaken her confidence in her natural instincts. It brought her back to an brokenness she thought she’d left far behind.  She must learn that the courage is in her, she just has to choose it over the fear to perceive her life in the way she needs to find ultimate joy.  Only then can she live the life she wants on her own terms.

The dictionary says the word, “Courage,” is  a noun: “1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery. 2. Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion.”  Yes, it’s a noun verses an actionable reaction.  To me, that means that the 35 verses of courage that I know of in the bible (all of them) mean that overcoming fear is what we need to do.  Yes, “Bravery” to act on that choice is the last action, but courageousness comes from making a conscious choice to overcome that which as spent a long time torturing your mind and robbing you of your joy.

When I write my characters, I am constantly and acutely aware that each of us has all the good we could possibly see in each other.  I am also equally aware that just as we see what each other want us to see, something deep inside is lurking.  Some lie we’ve told ourselves. Some comparison we’ve just made.  Some shortcoming that we’ve indulged in. We all do it.  We all have that in us, even those who boast they do not, trust me they do.

Today as I close the chapter in this book and thereby get to the ending, hopefully helping my readers understand that the perfect season doesn’t last forever.  Life takes it’s ugly hand and events happen beyond or understanding or control.  I hope that in this new book, you can see the growth of Beverly through her self doubt, and fall in love with her again as the courage bubbles up.  She gets justified results from the women who have treated her in the worst of ways, and ultimately she falls back in the arms of her husband who miraculously ends up saving the day. Of course, we all have to believe in fairytales, miracles, and happily ever after… Well, at least I do!

Take care,

Reba Nietert